לאכותב(ת)

I was a bit paranoid yesterday... i guess it was a good reminder for me to not get completely fucked up, not soon.

it made me realize what i want my life to be like, what i should be aware ore careful of, and in a way it made me choose to not play with fire any time soon...

it also made me realize how much of strangers we are... it's strange... we spend a lot of time "together" communicating on a very deep level of exposure and yet, we don't know the basic things about each other.

i don't know. i found somethings i wrote  in hebrew in my notebook some of it was for you i think... so strange, i was writing you about the being afraid of being raped thing, so fucking strange, now i can't relate to that anymore i guess i was in a very extreme stage, either extremely honest and truly connected to myself in a very strong way ore just paranoid and heavy, living a demonic fantasy...

maybe i should translate some of it for you...

"I dreamed that one has to want to cry

stricken by the sticks i was

and pressure in my shrinking head

and shrincking goes on with no control"

******(untranslatable stuff)*********

i realized today that i'm afraid of being raped all the time

and that you are really afraid of being abendoned

and i could not abendon

and you are beautiful and present in marks (scars)

that i don't have

a spirit

slowly i slide in the possession of the nightmarish sounds that the past once left for me.

left in me.

"i feel that you are all the men i ever new.

only real

and strait at eye level

and impossible

we're both dreaming

and you are beautiful

******(untranslatable stuff)*********

and i forgot to ask for forgiveness

that i might happen to you again

but in a more frustrating way"

******(untranslatable stuff)*********