עומקים

I am walking slowly in this god forsaken cold. The snow sends chills down my spin there thousand souls in this gray long city of building lurking in the shadows yet I am not scared I will not get caught. How can I get caught anyway when they all closing the windows afraid from that there own shadowAnd will dislike anyone with gun as so many have in this city. Yes this is the perfect place for this, but I hate this city
But this cycle must come to a peacefully end and this seems the only place to end it
In my mind I am smiling remember the song “New York, New York” and in ironic comment my mind picks this line “if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere”
As I look down at my gun, yes this is the perfect place to die 
And here I am again, alone at this snow alone and broken as I once felt.

The rest of my thought was blank as from the way I heard a man running I didn’t really see him in this god forsaken cold until his last footstep before falling into my place. Shocked and surprised my gun felt down, all I did was to watch would this guy kill me? , after all it would just make it easier, I lay my gaze on him
He was wearing big green poppy coat and red sweater you could understand his slimy by the different of them boat and his face was of a man who aged to quickly, his hair gray only helped more to the image.

I thought he would take an action but all he did his to stare with his small olive eyes
At first he looked at my clothing my long slim figure in the night coat all my appearance seem to be made of black fabric and pale skin then he moved into my cold marmalade eyes, this eyes shocked so many with there beauty but I could see by his shaken body and frighten look that he has seen more then just the beauty the same seed of violence that been discovered by Aizawa, yes my eyes are the eyes of a murder. The man toke his bug and run but instead to run from the police sirens it seems he went toward there direction, his meeting a honest soul in the city is really that scary?

If only I could be in peace with my torn soul if I could only truly be a beast then maybe this would not needed but for now I feel no other choice dead or alive I go farther in this riddle and open my personal Pandora box .

I walk around for hours the sky getting darker and darker and with the help of the human air pollution it seems there starting to get the impossible shade of black.
This use to be a dangerous alley and the neighborhood and street around in most still are but the few building that his here where it all began for me, this building have shattered, number 26 I finally found the building it seems so much bigger when I was a kid so much more frightening and yet I still find myself trembling in front of the opening door of the hallway , oh well a man can get excited before his death, I think to myself try to calm my sprit but how can I really get calm in here. But I know
This can be the only place to end it and so quietly yet shaken I enter the hall.

 The place was so quite that my footstep on the wooden stairways have sounded as if it disturbed the silence of unsleeping ghosts, and making it even more clear to me that I am the only living human in this building .the only other sound in the area was the sound of police sirens, sound of warn and alarm, but for now this is the safest place I wonder where was the police back then?

 Big black graffiti "WE OF DE HOOD" decorated the stairway wall.
I stand at the edge of the hallway and stare at this place chaos would not describe how this place looked, all the windows were broken and the glass laid everywhere, door were broken or stayed on the floor some kept there wooden burnet fabric but the burn easily been seen on the golden plastic locks that lost it peaceful round character, and in each place that was not cracked yet on the wall there was a graffiti's to cover it up, graffiti the media of the young and poor a last cry out they who did not know how to shout ,what to say only wrote there name in big italic style this willing to shout for help to tell your last thought even if you might be minute before your death as an author I can sympathy with this. I too will shout my last word and for that I carry with me small brown suitcase inside is my most valued poison a pen , a note book , a last cigar to ease the pain and a lighter to bring last minute of light with them I will write my greatest work yet my suicide note.

Yet I hesitate and my steps in this place are slow since this place bring such memories and no matter how much complete I feel with my decide mission here with my past here I cannot complete, I enter the room where it all started with small but firm hand on the door I walk inside.

The room was in horrible state as all this building, he looked shattered.
The covering of the floor was turn apart the walls was cut the doors were half broken in big raging graffiti's everywhere one wrote "see me" and in other wrote "love me" 
Both close to the green wooden sofa which was cut marked and graved name upon
At least the windows were intact and the snow kept outside.
I walked toward the sofa looking at the names marked on the walls and wondered how many murder had been her? How many screams? How many last nights of passion and how many rapes? My legs hit a red bottle I look at the label 
Romannee of 1959 yes I remember this label, I remember that night

At the dreadful night my small trembling legs of a young teen boy hit the same battle
Mr. Kitazawa my tutoring teacher which I adore was drunk to no doubt the battle was one in many. Kitazawa eyes was red and weird looking this was not the soft kind look he always had and in that day my roll model was ruined I did not know the guy appeared before me "let me go" I shouted in fear and confusion 
He comes closer to me as I end up against the wall "teacher?" I mumble quietly not quite getting how a man can change so much. "Please stop calling my that" he said as he pulled his face closer to my jeans snipping the air around my jeans.
I had an erection he smiled and move his face closer to my face "Eiri, I am really glad you have always been a good and honest boy." But I did not feel good nor did I feel honest. I felt dirty and shameful but he was my big roll model the kindest older person in my life and the first person which I add attraction toward. "Stop it" I beg tilting my head with shame embrace from his sexual gaze upon me. "Why? You have always watched me?" And it was true I always did watch him but, I was so confuse
"This is what you wanted" he state this with wide open eyes and till this day make me tremble in guilt , remembering this day so hard I slowly find myself sitting in a corner my legged cross.
 no matter how hard I try to avoid this I still remember this too well 
Two guys appeared from the door there were big with muscles but something seemed out of his normal shaped in them, there eyes were covered by sunglass in the mid night and yet you could see spark of sadistic thrill in them knowing there going to hurt a little boy. they bride my teacher, I could not believe it but he just comment and leave them to do with me as I please "now be a good boy " one of them is saying but all I can see is the gun he puts inside his pants my mind went blurry not capable of handle all I acted on subconscious taking the gun from the guy pants shooting into the air I remember one shot my teacher died and the two other went outside fearing that the cops will hear the shots , I remember crying near Toma who felt too responsible to it all

I know he did not did it for the money ten dollars his cheap anyway you turn it
He just hated me this was the look of pure hatred and distaste he just hated my different sexuality. "If you hated me so much, you should have just told me so.
There was no reason for you to die, Mr.Kitazawa."
"I say this out loud I know no one can hear me 
I know I am the only one here but I can't keep it inside any more, I must let the word outside from me, if only it could erased the feeling. 
"The one who should have been erased…was in fact me"
I look at the black gun and know soon I am going to finished the erasing process just a little more.

 I take out my "black devil" cigarette and light it up
Then I see it, small, kitsch and merely a machine printed but there was hope
On my lighter there is a picture taken not so long ago at amusement park me and Shuichi Shindou the size of his smile is the same as the pink bunnies smile well actually a bit bigger and even I found some relive and let go of a small suggestive smile. What is with this kid what in him that makes me gasp and shake in amazement even after those thought and memories of my repressed childhood?

As I stop wondering that I note that the ground base of the room is shaken the floor sounds as if it is going to be an earthquake suddenly a hole is made and from that hole and into the top of the jump what seem to appear as a giant brown round ball with a yowling sounds one might think it a vengeful ghost of a great dog, but then it is open and mid air and form it jumping my lover Shuichi in what seem to be a huge brown Dalmatian dog custom. He then land on the side of the room as he barley breathing he say "I have finally found you! Yuki!" in determent voice his mask nose shin in bright red and the yellow glass brightening from his eyes. "S..Sh…shuichi" My head was screaming "oh dear lord one loly school girl outfit, other kimono feminine and now hug dog suit I should totally find his designer and kill so my mantel scaring would rest in peace " but this I guess consider the reasoning did not seem to be the time to note this. "You how did you get here?"

"Shut up!" he said with angry face and slammed his face mask for no apparent reason but anger itself. "that doesn’t matter!", actually it was quit matter to me I did my best to fall from the face of the earth, I was sure I could die peaceful and for once to not be part of other people scams" you disappeared without even letting me know!"
My Shuichi was angry in all the time we spent this year I saw him in different faces and emotion 
Needy, lovable, bragging, childish, helpless, sad, bored, interest and almost always young energetic happy and cheerful person it was the first time I ever saw him angry and even now he keeps his optimistic spirit did he really thought I just run away or maybe his too afraid to lose me but why. I have done anything but been an ass to him?. He steps closer and take out a piece of note book paper "look!" as I take the paper he continue to explain "that time in the park my lyrics that got blown away by the wind..I finished it! look at it"

So this is what he came with only to show me a song "you always act like this" I say it cynically but my smile is true "you don't think about the other person at all. I use to be like that too" yes I also was a bright carless jumpy boy with no worries but my own desires, Shuichi seem surprised to know that but truth his as much as it is annoy me I like him for what he reminds me . "That's how I also pushed Kitazawa into a corner...And killed him" and here I am at the same place this time the table will turn and I will die but he stop my thought "don't be ridiculous!" he shout as he leaning toward me foe our final kiss , our mouth meet with such passion and the small custom tail is waving, even now minute before death I can't say no to him

He looks upon my eyes and speak in much too fast speedy for me to replay 
As if he will miss a line I will be no more to listen, things he thought about all along
"So what if I pressure you into a corner?! Don't think you can get away from me!
You can run or you can die, I will search for you and find you! I'm never letting you get away from me! Because I love you" there he said the word scared him to tell me most of all, three words that are shameful to say in the Japanese culture and even more shame to be reject and then it hit me after years and years of grip that the only thing I did to Kitazawa was to love him foolish stupid and pure first love , the same idiotic love that the perky energetic pink haired young boy are sending to me 
Love the thing I didn't really believe existed any more 

I looked at the page again the words were written in clean and neat letters 
"Amidst a noisy crowd of people
The murmured words melt away
Scattered at my feet 
Are memories that become blurred by it
I wander aimlessly and the brilliant lights of the town
Glaring one way 
Illuminate me, on the verge of freezing 
The cold time brings dreams from the skies
And they slip through my fingers
Counting my wishes, when I wake up"

"Zero talent" no it still sound like a crappy teenage high school love poem
I do not understand pop songs at all yet I smile and know
When he will sing it, it will sound brilliant and sparkly 
Because his voice show is inner side just like I let my guard down only in writing  
"you still have got zero talent " I smiled to him with all my heart as I said that glad that he will still need me for something more as he smiled to me
As the noise raised form K's US army friends and there chopper 
I know I been saved by this helpless lover boy with the sound of angles and the will of the devils.


It is the early morning of Japan when I go to the cemetery, on the stone it said 
"Here lies the body of Yuki Kitazawa
I hope to heaven his soul is gone"  
I lay those white lilies around on his grave and bow
It been long time and in all it I always regretted that he died 
I will always remember him as my first love I forgave him long ago vengeance only poison the body as my Buddhist father says and now I finally willing to forgive myself
"good bye Yuki" I whisper toward him and start to move 
I then meet Toma my brother always guess my moves I look at him then keep moving as he stare quietly, I just don't know what to say

Eiri san" he looks at me frighten, "where are you going?""
"Home" I smile and see the relive on his face I really have a lot of problems with this older brother of mine but you can't say he do not care

Home I think to myself and for once in along long time it felt like home
As an author there I could not ignore the irony just as I was about to give up and die only then I started to live, isn't life amazing?