this is my old man diary... its mainly to help me with my sat but also do what im really sorry i havent dont alot of years ago at my youth years, lisenning to shay gabso, arem roshi, naor song neta song, and begining to sink inside my mind.
this will be different from what that have been writen in here before. maybe i will not have so many to feel like a hero about, like the big soccer player that i was and hoping still be, and not the sniper and killer that i am.
and not hurt from n anymore. she's nothing but a letter, smarter. stronger. fell alot of times but have no doubts!.. i will rise again. and fulfill my expactations, cause now i understand, its only me. its allways was me,
im the only one that can stop myself from reaching the top, from being happy, if ill belive in myself, if ill give my self only a little bit from all that i deserve, from what im earning every day in the way i treat my friends and family, no one more faithfull, who is sensitive for their happines, but trully care, im unique, im just like my father, and very proud of that, i lost 3 years for defending my country, maybe lost m for loving maya and help her, still have alot of people that loves me, but more than all, for the first time im not holy, no open woums... no regets or bad feelings for who that i am... those who wont want me will be left behind and ill be running in the speed of light forward towards my dream... if only i believe... ill get there... only faith!.. ram rafael gilad... faith!9
18.12.10
injured for a week im beginning to execute my australia plan, its only money, but it will provide independence, and thats a worth cause... avoid the winter, ill be happier, and come back stronger and hope that usa soccer will open up for me.
went to the hadak in the morning, spend time and went to the jakuzy with my admireable father, than came back and study fearsly to the SAT, then ate dinner with noam aba ema and went to elad where i met also itamar, sugerlips ori amir and to black skin girl friends of elad, than went to camoon with ophir, met duvshanit,nety,israeli,nitay and from there went straight to gaaton, to the place were i broke up from sigal for failure with... where i slaped my chiks so potently til tears will come out and let the pain a way out.. went inside sit down with ophir and then alon and nitay joined us and i went to gury my good childhood friends, ,my partner for my childhood search in soccer world.. who played with me in all this last month with all the little kids in kefar vradim, wore the same shirt as me, met arran who is a former enemy from macabbi and now a soccer friend from matzuba.. saw sagi and all my gaaton friends that in the last time saw me allmost getting back to my greatness. 2 goals to assists, alot of dribbells, i enjoyed been good so much, feeling so proud, hope ill get another taste of that...
anyway felt a little wierd with the loud music, and all the little girls around me, know that i cant and dont want any of them... i have a beautifull girlfriend sleeping at home.. that wondered why is she at home?..
fell hollow, like im not happy from anything, i have great friends with me, a girlfriends that loves me, why arent i happy, cause i want more!... its not for me the simple people pleasures, but now that im injured and need to rest with my leg, why cant i just accept this temporary situation and just be happy??...
talked to ophir when i wondered if just give up and go home, and when he told me he is having fun it was enough for me to stay a little longer... and went dancing, mainly with my hands, and after a little time it was really fun, met rahman, a good friend that i barely see anymore from school... danced stupidly with elad adva and dotan, and then on the side of my side saw her to, and was happy i didnt went home, not hoping for redemption, but happy that im feeling... that my hurt is beating, im defenitely not happy,, hurting even with every look, but also feeling, that it was very special for me... dance with the friends on the stage, closing my eyes, lisenning to the beet of the music... slowly let the pride uinside... stood more stoodily with my chest up... i have nothing to be ashamed!.. hoped for a eye contact but knew ill make no move if not... went to the party and they just past by me 10 seconds before when i said goodbye to the friends... watched her ten meters away from, 2 m behind her friends, hoped she will turn around and see me so i could speak to her... but when she didnt, stayed with my chest up, knowing it was the right thing to do, i done everything right... i only loved... the letter is to berdensome, for her or anyone maybe one day.. just like she said, let the time do is thing!...3
morning later had a grate breakfeast with my brothers at misgav am
24.12.10
after a few hours of watching dexter (my role model:)) and writing the last SAT vocubulary words, its time to get back to the reallity, tomorrow i have to finish my sirton, so i could fly to australia with free mind.
now just a couple of words of the last days with my beautiful girlfriend maya...
we woke up the 21 morning, me with a huge headhacke, than after another hour in bed jumped out of bad, got ready and went on are way.
maya found a old mp3 so all this trip i enjoyed the opportunitty to see maya happy with nostalgia feeling of her songs from the past.
drove to bet ha shita and i loved the de ja vu from my army days, of the tall mountain veiw that i had in my mind from my past runs in the area, moved on to haftsiba and then arrived and stopped at the "GANGURU"/... the trip wasnt all that planned but it was just to maya heart of choice... we traveled a little around the gift shop, saw cute monkeys, fed the amazing kangaroos, and just walked slawly and happy together around the garden, after about 3 hours we went outside, buy maya an panda pupit bear, and continued to, the sahne!:)... an amazing place, have no idea how didnt ive been there before, clear blue turkiz water, 28 degrees heat, romantic place with a lot of trees ang grass around it, a long wide rever at the continuence, a perfect place, jumped to the water, maya made the food, kiss a little on the sadin, and ate the first trip meal, later drove towards the kineret in order to get ther before dark... after i asked oz for advice, we arrived to tzahalon beach, saw only one person with dogs so went on the we found urselfs completely alone, be took everything to a spot 20 meters from the water, then open the tent together, then maya said she wants to make a medura so i went to find alot of trees while she organized everything and fill the mizron with, i love her enthusiasm and battle mood, loved that unspoiled side of her... everything was in place and just before dark i lightend the medura perfectly with the first matcb.. we rested a little, watching together while lying on the mizron at the beautiful water of the kineret and all light around it, with a full moon that slowly rised in the sky, making the medura needed only for heat and tea...ate dinner, niuky, that was delisiouch and went to cuddle inside the tent, after couple of minutes i went to shetah shiting, that was a very peacefull but unsucssesful moment and went back happy to the open arms of maya.
i hugged her closly, smiling that she feels so safe with me, kissed her and we went to sleep, at night we woke up a couple of times but woke up to a beautifull cold morning with sky lightinning up all the colors on the kineret, got organazied and went to the next stop... "elal river" maya navigating us all the way with the map, listening to beautifull songs, we arrived at the top of a mountaing where the road began... maya happy with nostalgia but like me, dissapointed with the so burned view of this place.. i loved to travel with maya, walking and not carring about the time,like its only me and her in the world, thinking i need to enjoy it if ill be leaving soon to australia... walk on the mountain side for about an hour, with a strong cold wind at our faces, till we got to the "mapal " that was beatifull but must have been more attractive if it had green soroundings instead of black, and if we werent cold... we found a spot above the mapal, with clean water next to us, at and relax together and went back to the car.
the way back was dificult for maya but tshe was very cute and enjoyed the difficulty... me relaxing her all the time to go at her own rethem... we met to tourist that photograph us took a last glimpse from the top of the view and drove after alot of thinking to hamat gader, where we saw aligators and saw all the animals to maya's happines, and then went to the hot stinky water with all the old people, showerd and stole a shampoo:) from there stay about an half and hour on the grass with all the different kind of trees and went to the car and started our way home, and after 40 minute drive stopped at "mount osher" a christian place observing the all kineret from about, very romantic stop for the end of the trip, saw the quirky tourist, made a discusting dinner and after throwing half of it away, kissed, happy of this chance that gave us a little more of alone time... and then continued home to me and to maya, and to sleep.
23.12.10
heder kosher, finish the visa request, time with papa and mama, hearing about the conversation in which the doctors told saba the truth that he just might day in the not so long future.. im just hoping he will be happy til the end.. im really happy i got the chance to look after him that night at the hospital, make him feel loved, and made me to remember to enjoy this time period that is so beautifull, and cannot pass by without appreciating it/
, went to arik and took him to ar betah, spent a couple of hours there, made coffee, spoke of future plans, that if ill succeed in australia he will join, great qualitity time with my past best friend, happy i found time just before he leaves, wwho know when we will be again this free ever in our lives just to talk and dream on the future.
went home, study to the SAT, finished the first test, and help my father carrying things, and open my head on the way... then arik jumped by again to take my bag and shirt, id be happy he will travel with a ram sign on his bag... ate dinner and without noticing time it was 23 a clock, then learned more and saw dexter and now going to sleep at fucking 3 a clock, maya is long dreaming already. all in all a very good old friend day... goodnight
26.12.10
woke up with a happy feeling... im feeling good!... healthy after so much time... so half and hour after woke up ran to the heder kosher there made a bad move and my neck got stuck... made a trip home, done my knee exercises, and exacly ate and got in the shower when koral came visit... went out of the shower with good smell of head&shoulders that i stole from hamat gader.. we sat outside in the sun, played "Remicub".. like the last time, a nice quality time with a good friend from the tefen days, and was happy that she in her difficult situation feel comfortable and free to call me and ask to meet her.. eating problem i never understood, but if it can happen so strongly to her, a beautifull smart girl, then it is another reminder for me that everybody has is breakpoints, so im not alone... hope that she will recover soon, she's not okay!.. but i hope i will help her go thorugh this... talked about the 6 hours id spend at cabri with gal making my video for virtual scout for usa, and the big nostalgia of eating in cabri like school, and about the mifgash tzevet in kidmat tsvi... that we gathered all the tsfonim, it was nice to see the good army friends and remembering some wonderful memories... kendelik, shadmon, gerty, milman,sena,volf,oz, and erling... great friends, i was worried that i will be ashamed to come there injured, but i earned theyre respect in the army days, there is nothing to be ashamed about your body asking to rest... talked about her trip with her boyfriend, that she feels that she need to give all the time for something to happen in the relationship, and that it come to the point after the trip that she is not sure is enough... i wanderd how much it resembeld my past feelings, and whether in different situation, if she wants it to be me?, and if i thought i would want to be there... at the moment im more than prefer my friend place...
i mention the "a problem" and told her that if she dont tell her to herself, then i say, that she is to good for this. and desreve better than hurting herself, and i know it takes time, but that shell keep that in mind, and that if there is anything i could help ill be happy to.;
lost the first remicub match, won the second... and said goodbye with a good feeling, that shes feeling safe with me, and that we should to this again soon...
from there with my painful neck i studid for the sat, and then ofek picked me up, said goodbye to arik, and went to elad to play "DND", it was fun, a little like diablo, but something that can take time that i dont have to give..
it was funny, me and ofek faught to orcs in a bar and died, i killed the orc that attacked ofek but than the other one killed me..:) "my half orc sorcorer" it was fun.
from there just stop and home and ran to help arik, gave im my mama car, gave him a good feeling before flying to new-zealand, done what a very good friend would do...
then "Duvshanit" picked me up and we went to BBB with maya my beautifull girlfriend... uri i barely see because he studies to the psychometry so it was nice to catch up on my australia plans and just eating a good meal and a huge hamburger at BBB. from there to maya straight to FTime and to sleep.
woke up half dead, maya helped me to put on my clothes, my neck killing me... studied and studied, ate, lunch with maya's family and studied more until 5 that i went to cabri to take my disc from shir bruner
from there went through my school for a little nostaligia, and went on a tremp with a teacher, that told me about is life and reminded me that i dont want to grow up, and how money can help you in the mature life...
then after 3 weeks of rest, went to play soccer for the first time, was really gentle, mainly because of my neck but more worried about my knees, played well but more slowly then usual, 100%wins and at the first bad move with my leg went home, happy with my winning strike... its amazing how good it makes me feel
and how much better than anything else in my life, i hope my legs will be strong to give me more smiles in the future!..9
was in one team with, Meylin,boaz,shahaf,and geva.. scored preety goal with leg above the ball trick and scored alone, and in general had more assists then goals, because of my neck it was difficult to ran forward and recieve a pass from behind to i focused on beginning the play with the ball at my feet, and go with the face forward... just fun fun fun
then ate dinner with papa and afterwards gury my good childhood friend came that just quit is job, and was wandering what to do... its such a cunfusing stage in my life... i want and need and will be strong so i could help my friends to go thorugh it in a good way.. then said hellow to itamar and elad and went to bed... :)1
3.1
nothing really special about the last week, but i got back to play soccer 3 times this week, 3 time heder kosher mad my legs stronger, and with soccer i got back to become the strong man that i am.
silvester was awful, but still, we were the friends together, uri ophir rahela maya and me, and thats all that metters,
on tuesday, met amit bob and udi and dan, at amit's house, so close to the letter house.. good to see good old friends, see how his parents love me, that show the strong impresion that i mad in my school years, reminder that outthere theres alot of good friends that love me and i forget so its could to have something to remind you.
thursday ithashmalty, maybe for the last time, it barely hurt, and played soccer and well, and its good to be back, still waiting for my visa, when it will come, will see what my next move is.
8.10.2011
פשוט בושה שזה העדכון האחרון שיהיה לי ליומן פה.... כתבתי הרבה לאורך התקופה... את כל החוויות מאוסטרליה... על כל המשחקים, על כל המסיבות, אבל פירקתי את המחשב באגרוף אחד אז הכל הלך... בעיקר כל הכתיבה הכועסת על מאיה אחרי הפרידה... והמכתב הפרידה היפה לפני שעזבתי לפה... הפעם נפרדנו לתמיד...
לפחות נכתוב בקודים כדי לזכור כמה שיותר, המכירה הראשונה ב125 דולר לסיני שריחם עליי, הסוטה עם התמונה של
Its time to admit that my situation is not that clear.. I wanted to write that is not that could but that would be also false…… my situation is very good from many point of views… and not so much of others because im not honest with my self……. I need to close Switzerland… this is an amazing opportounity… get a phone, buy shoes, find a new roomate… call ray for scholarship help… I study… I play soccer everyday…. Good wether… my life is good!!...
But somethings cannot be left unsaid and now its 100%.... lara experience is a black mark… but mainly because my head was with maya… its not nice for her…. I am ashamed… but fuck her… guess if she bigger boobs probably wouldn't happen like it never happened with maya… and as much as it always not nice to be rejected… its just that I scared her cause I tried to get close too much…. Dosent go that way in america……so forget and leave behind…
Don't eat yourself cause I have nothing to be sorry about!!... nothing…
And lately I can say that I close my self because of maya cause everything seems less and its true… but the real truth is that Im afraid and don't want to be rejected again, im unconfident and stop myself from even trying so I wont get a refusal..
I have many things to be proud about.. who I am,, how smart I am, my body, my strong character, my army… many things that im uniqe and better than many so remember that
Andrea.. meet her alone.. I don't feel like seeing her next to others.. it will be akward and weird alone… than it shouldn't be with others either…
But most importantly that is one thing that I have to let go of my head….
Maya…………………………
Im stoping myself and feel empty… but the real truth is… its over!... she has someone new… she is just waiting to see if it will be good and official later… I saw the pictures… its tear my heart apart… and its really hurt to know that she dosent feel bad about it…..
I know she cares about me…. But she dosent love me anymore… im not there… the others are… and each new one.. make the worth of maya lower to me…. She is so beautifull… but her view of the future is different then mine… and for the close 3 years… she will be with others…. And so should i!... not to get back at her…… I love her and don't want to hurt her
But I can be on a string for so long….. this is my future… 3 and half years im in America… unless some magic in switzerland this is my future… and mainly.. maya moved on… she barely calls me anymore… when she do.. we have nothing to talke about cause she hides the guy.. and just drinking smoking stories…. Not my girl… but I think she is happier than when she was with me… more alive..more social… too bad is that fucking ugly arsim are fucking her… and that is the girl I hope to spend the rest of my life with….
I needed time alone to let go the amazing time in switzerland…. But I need to find love.. if she is very hot or not… love gives me a lot of strength.. and im too good for wasting it and feel lonely… America.. 22 years old… 10 years from now I will not understand how I stopped myself only because I was afraid.. and I will not accept… the focus is on soccer and being healthy…. But it have to let go of the past….. by luck im not going to pass gal and ali…
But with hard work… confident … and faith!!.. the sky are the limit… smile to everyday.. even like tonight when I could've went to andrea… didn't wanted to and its ok… I will be ready soon…. You have enemies… good.. it means you stood up for something in yourlife!!!
24.5.2012
I tried many times but could never imagine that moment when I finished the army or when I was in Australia… or even at the moment when ive been told that im not allowed to play… but here I am.. 3.92 GPA… maya is a far memory, haven't found a replacement.. but im free.. the time done is thing.. she really care less… and her behavior changed my way of thinking…
SOCCER wise… the first semester dispite not being able to play I can count as a big success… I practiced a lot extra… second semester.. big failure… need to make sure to stay in shape during the next winter.. that is the only way.. and when coming back.. do it wisely.
When summarizing the year I can surely say that I improved my crossing significantly, the way I stop the ball my shooting for long distance is now in a different level… my ball control didn't improved enough… haven't found the motivation to work on it enough and that's a shame… that will be my mission for next year
I need to make sure to play as much as I can.. to get rid of the match form rust that I collected this season… but now America will look different… 20 games a year… real competition and soccer pressure.. oppourtunity for pride and happiness… on the field is where I belong…
The loneliness here is difficult.. its hard to accept that there is no love or real carring in this place… but I made a couple of real good friends… matteo behind is childhood and the money problem…. Dani… michi… I made an impact on the people I was close too…. With the others im not as close… but they care back.. cause they appreciate who I am.. and respect my character..
Girls… Kagen, Andrea, Shauli philpino(Rachel Cardozo), Emily, Kate, Simona, Gabi-tooth fairy, to good Lora, Dani, Lara, …. Not bad for the first semester here
Nothing with meaning… maybe lara.. but that's it… and not for her… hopefully one day I find something.
26.5.2012
I want to start writing as much as I can before the memories of America will be replaced by the stories with the true friends of Israel…. I will start with the last 3 days I had before being here in london's airport.
Monday – helping dani to move her stuff so she would help me and take some of mine
Tuesday - Woke up at 8 am, remembered about the econ quizzes, sprint to the library to finish them, then straight to the traders joe, to buy things for making dinner for Elizabeth and viviani… then straight to towson center, for a meeting with coach and billy… talked about RA.. didn't got an approval but did got will to help… then 2 hours of soccer with matteo, good shooting in the end… then joe ditched us…. So quick home, couch and table to nate, dresser to dani, helping the germans move in… packing my beg, cleaning the apt, and at 6:30 started cooking… at 7:20 elizabeth and viviani came, after parking far… I'm talking with them but focusing on the cooking…. Sweet potatoes, Bolognese, strawberries that they didn't ate… after dinner took a quick shower and after smelling good came closer… we walked viviani to her car… then Elizabeth stayed with me for 1.5 hours…. Sitting on my bed.. hugging and close.. she played with my hand, and im disappointed that I can't kiss her.. but can see that she really cares and want to but feel obligated to her boyfriend.. kissed her on the chick.. but didn't got a real kiss… an amazing girl… she caught me by her dancing and the closness we had at the bars.. but a sweet girl. That if my timing was better and didn't have a boyfriend.. could've made feel more free about maya… she saw who I am without games.. and just wanted more and more… I wasn't mean.. I said the words to make her happy.. and like maya.. she wanted more everytime… we were close until she had to go, I thought it will be the last time I see her, but it wasn't…
After she left.. I had a good feeling… but also a big dissapoitment that even a girl that really like me.. dosen't kiss me.. I went after to the bars.. at the beginning wondered alone in CVP and saw the jewish girl that was so happy to see me a couple of days before. So talked to her for like 15 min… then after saw that im alone.. wanted to be with the friends so went to b-lounge…. There I met matteo, michi, july, allysa and Nicole.. Alyssa was drunk but so nice to me.. so without expectations I started dancing with her… it was a close dance.. touching and holding her.. and she seemed to really enjoy that its me and not another idiot… then july made eyes with me and asked me if I want…… I said.. sure… but don't know if she is… and she said that Alyssa is preety drunk.. so there is a good chance…. Anyway… dance close for like 15 min… then stopped and Alyssa dance on a black guy… haha.. so discusting but American of her…. I didn't took it hard… he tried to kiss her… she didn't let him… I told myself to be persistant and confident and take her back after he is gone…. The party was over.. we went all of us back together… Julie, matteo, me and Alyssa, still close and walking together towards Cardiff.. she wanted pizza, so I stayed with her and july after matteo went away…
There it was colder.. and a waiting of an hour wasn't on my side.. but left there still close… when we got to the wall.. Julie made a big round.. and I didn't used that moment…. Shouldve stopped allyssa and kiss her… but didn't.. lost my chance… ran with her hand by hand up the hill… and to the apt.. there Derek and chicken were also… she got pissed on Derek.. and I wasn't focus.. so while talking to julie Alyssa went to sleep and I lost my chance… should've been confident. And attack, didn't so lost my opportunity..
But dispite the failure.. a hot girl like that who is interested in you, gives u a good feeling, maybe one day.. but I shouldn't count on it….. matteo said… "if u would of fucked her.. it would've make up the entire semester.haha." I didn't.. hopefully one day.. after going from their apartment, couldn't fall a sleep until 5..
Wednsday – woke up after 2 hours of sleep….moving all of our apartment, dividing the stuff between the friends, goodbye dinner from the germans… Bolognese, then going to Alyssa with the waiter test, talk for 2 hours, then back to our apartment, with july and dani until 2:30 am
Thursday –6:50 am.. woke up late, ditched Julie and the pancakes.. saying goodbye to Dani…"stay as u r Ram.. don't let anyone change you"… going with michi to the mall, and buying food for the flight, goodbye to michi, starbucks evening with Elizabeth, chilling from 11 til 1 with july dissappoitment from Alyssa that haven't shown any afection
Friday – sleeping good… last packing, river matteo+jenia, facebook nataly, drive with Elizabeth to the airport
17.7.2012
I should've wrote earlier during this amazing journey at home in Israel.. to write the experiences ive been through with my amazing family and friends that soon will be again left behind for a long period with only skype to hold the connections.
In the last week I spend time with a large variety of friends, spent time with the friends from tefen.. that always give me a weird feeling of a little pain of being far from them, a little wondering about my spot compare to theirs… and mainly great pride of the way the see me, and the feeling of true friendship and real carriing that im not sure I will able to achieve with my new and future friends.
The only black cloud about this trip is as allways maya, and I will write in the beginning because it wasn't in the spotlight of my trip, and mainly not what I want to remember from here…… Me and maya are over for the close 3 years!... most likely that by the time I will finish college, and even 2 years from now… she will be married with a kid… I have to let her go….. if in 3 years wont be, unless something will change I will fight for her again…. But there is no garrantee that by that time she will be interested.. therefore I must overcome the pain, stop lying to myself, and look for something new without any guilt, cause she burned our bridges… "payphone song", but mainly, I deserve to be happy, I have a chance to enjoy my dream of playing in high level, preety girls around me, studying for a degree that will give me much wider oppourtunities than what my Israeli friends will have. I'm doing what is best for me, and what I want the most!, even if maya is somewhere between my goals… she looks amazing today, and it might be too late after… but if I want her for life… I need to make sure to be strong so I could take care of her, or any girl that hopefully will also take my heart on the way.
Talked to her a week ago, told me she got kicked out of home 3 times… she is focusing on the present, and it's hard to know that if wouldn't have left her, she would've been much happier… however she chose it also…went to see her today, looked amazing but didn't looked into my eyes when I talked seriously… told her again how much I believe in her.. and that if she needs me I will always be there… ALWAYS… however she is now back with the mor mobster, and haven't called me in the last 6 months!... my heart was still with her.. but I also deserve better…. I don't believe in letting god do is thing… I believe u have to choose your own destiny by your actions, but I flipped my coin and chose my way!... chose that the previous 18 years, the fighter inside of me and who I was my entire life, are more important than the following 3 years,… I sacrificed for the army and protecting Israel, now I chose what I want!!... and I cant be sorry for that, after a year and 6 months its time to let go, as my father said.. "its going to hurt also 40 years from now" and he is so right…. But as I saw from my visit in israel, I have too many goods things to let this pain hide them, and by my actions here, im loosing maya, but im earning experience and been attractive to many girls from my past that I haven't noticed that might developed 3 years from now……… From now and on…. Its NEW RAM
19.6 last working day with RAFI BONE
21.6 gilad's wedding.. fun with all the army squad
22.6 travel to the lake with the army friends, then drove back to tomer, finishing to build the closet for the baby. Then home with ema after she finished work
23.6 trip with shai…. 8am wake up, went to zavitan elion, then aniam, then sleep at amirim and meeting moti before, fire in the rocket and sleep with the stars above us
24.6 trip with shai, waking up in amirim, breakfast with liat, home until 2 when ema takes the car, drove with them, and play with the sudanim in nahariya
26.6, trip with naama to nahal kziv,
29.6 running in the sea, waking gury up, spend time with gury and the friends from mitzpe hila, Party in harashim, many hippies, michelle saw me and walked away, ate this music and a serious culture shock, but that's the beauty of the teffen friends, hippy and happy, went with ophir, duvshanit, liat, and noa, introduced my love songs music, met illy ben yakir, and good time with paz,udi,omri, ofek, aiman,
30.6 neta Osman breakfast at 10am, straight to the sea to …buying timtam, then ophir at night
5.7 worked all day in yoknam with UDI
6.7 trip with aba to mahtzeva, ultrasound with ophir and duvshanit
7.7 trip with my amazing aba to nahal kziv, running with duvshanit in agam monfort
8.7 duvshanit in agam monfort
9.7 talking with maya, running to noam and back 13km at 9pm, zikukim and "dudu tasa concert" especially for me
10.7 morning run in kfar veradim, gerti hanging out and psychometry til 20:30, dinner with tomer… then ema from the bet holim and home.
11.7 worked all day in rehania with UDI
12.7 16-18:30 played soccer in mahalot and with the little kids
13.7 finished my nehiga monahat, drove with gerti to genosar where I met Oz, Erling, and ATG, went to the kineret at 16-18 then ate good meat with oz's friends… then at 11 went to the kibutz's bar… met a few americans from boston, curly hair but looked not bad… funny night with stupid tshokim of amit and gerti, "whats this… ha…u right u right" then jumped to the kineret at 24:00… then until 3 sat with the Americans… good time with the army friends.
14.7 woke up in genosar, running for 1 hour with the beautifull view of the "kineret" jumped into the water… woke the friends up, then with gerti drove back, ate breakfast with tomer, then sea with 20 friends from tefen… barak,yaniv,dan,achiad,aizen,yoyo,omri,noa bram, ori, elinor,paz,udi, beautiful boiango, then ice cream with most of them, such a hot day… then back home where friends came to celebrate my birthday… ophir, ohad after years we haven't met, gury, naama, stav, ofek, haiman, rahman.. was a really calm nice meeting
15.7 morning to mahtzeva with parents, travel in harashim to the" beer maim" with paz, yoni, achiad, yaniv, galush… running 8km in kfar vradim, morosh trip in nahariya
16.7 running and nitzan fathers yelling, trip to mahtzeva with achiad, drive with ema to dinner with safta, shai, liat, noam and aba
17.7 practice at 7 in nahariya cintetic field, trip to mahtzeva with noam, nahariya meeting maya, back to tarshiha and now to beer sheva… got to arik, then straight to the bars… many people go out over there.. all around my age and a little older.. very different than usa.. but also very alive and many oppurtunities to meet new girls. Told him the nitzan story that not many know, he was In shock, didn't show the picture as if I was completely ok, but he still thought her reaction was extreme and unjustified, but I told him.. and also believe in it completely now… that it dosent matter anymore for me… I will not do any step towards her, I don't want to…. But it was still nice to get support from a good friend….
18.7 a little boring day, studied german, than 3 episodes of Spartacus… sat with arik's roommate… then went to a resteraunt to meet koral and her new boyfriend, happy for her that she looks really happy and he looks ok… fun night with 2 really good friends, something I really appreciate… they paid for my "halumi" salad. Amazing as always. Say goodbye, probably last time I will see koral in the close future.
19.7 woke up after an amazing sleep, went with arik to see his university… towson looks much much more impressive, and thought that I am preety lucky to have this high standarts facilities. Then shaham came… talked all the drive home, funny stories about the german girl he caught, about my army, about the german/dutch joke… fun drive.. stopped in the middle of the way for going to Haifa for tomer's baby!:). All the road and also now, trying to thing whether I made the right choice… I can easily be happy from waking up everyday with maya by my side… but I don't believe it could've been enough for me!... I would not be happy without soccer, life is cheaper in Israel!!!... but not sure where I would've find my ambition to study hard and excel in what I do… the American system is better for me.. and at this stage of life… a girl by your side… especially the girl of your dreams.. would've been to much to handle without enough strength to give all that I want to give her.
3 years of soccer!.. at the moment that is all I have left…. After that I would be able to choose by love, sex, hot girl for 20 years, good wife, good mother… this time window in which I am still able to fulfill my ambition is getting smaller.. I am not a regular person and refuse to be one… that is why I didn't stayed with maya… cause I refuse to effect positively on one person only!, I want to have greater effect… when I will finish my accounting degree, with pure hard work, I can promise maya a good future, and if she will decide she is not interested… than some else would earn me…. But today, with what I have now… I am not better for maya then any other ARS/Idiout that try to catch her…. 4 years without her feels like forever, but 20 young years and 30 after of happiness, worth more….
I want this!, I need to practice hard in the last 10 days I have left….and attack my dream with all of my strength, I need to be strong, with faith… no one will be able to stop me!...
I need to be commited to soccer, be commited to accounting… that is whats important, improving myself in order to be happy, a girl and love will come, she will not be as beautifull as maya.. but she dosent have to be!
Looking to the future, I have 14 days left in Israel, 2 now with arik in beer sheva til the 19 evening, 21 family meeting, 22 packing day!!! and mor's birthday, 23 naor's memorial day, 26,barak friends goodbye meeting??, 27 traveling with shai and hopefully tomer, 28 last crew meeting… its incredible how close it is….
Wake up call!!.. I drown in the last 2 weeks again to chase too many friends and not being concise where I should spent my efforts
I need to continue getting this high grades, and im sure I will find more scholarship that will help me finance my education, winter im staying in america, work with billy's mom and or taking a winter course if only work then work crazy on my german and scholarships,
Summer, or new York agalot, or Maryland mazganim, or Switzerland!.. (depends on my german)… money… have 55000 sheqels = 13000$- 10000$ = 3000$ +10000$( 26000 +15000=41000) then minus 10000- left with 1000 with 9000$ to gain over 3 summers and 3 winters
Earning tutoring during season – 1000*3=3000$
16*7.5= 120*8=1020
1020*2= 20
13/10/2012
its unbelievable the situation that i found myself in.... 2 weeks from today... i dont have soccer anymore!...i will have 5 months to find a solution of another school with similar scholarship...or....just studying and RA.. 3000 PER YEAR
AND EARNING FREE SUMMERS TO DO WHATEVER I WANT... the question is what the hell do i want if i dont have soccer....
there isnt any girl that caught my eye here.... and even if she did... i gave up a girl to come here for soccer..
but she dosent mean anymore cause she dosent care about me.... its over... and even the short conversation that she wanted to end it quickly.. made it clear that she should not go through my thoughts
had a really good game today... except the finishing part.... should have scored matteos cross..
we lost 1-0.... the chances of being cut rose significantly.... need to give everything on wednesday.
forteen days from now.. i will have no team.. only memories.. so now i just need to focus on that..
if nothing change it will probably the end of soccer.... but i need to do everything to be proud of what i gave back to the people here...
today i came to have fun... i was focused from the first minute... not happy, not sad... i will do the same next game...
i dont want to write about all the people that i will loose... but if it will happen i will have to spend time on it... didnt took pictures... no memories will be left... i hate to have to say goodbye again... hate this feeling
but it will be or to a few good friends... or to the old and current RAM...
god is laughing at me... i will have to stand up to the challange
my USA experience is one big failure... i failed!... coach is an idiot... with the way the team played it was hard for me to stand out.... but i didnt took my chances.... to be honest its not fair... im much better than what i got..
and as much as im good in saying bad things about my self... im not as bad as he treats me.... no fucking way!!!..1
im in so much emotional pain... im mad of myself for failing to stand in my goals... but dont forget that its been taken away from you.... and yes.. i wont have good memories from this place now... cause for years to come.. i will not gain respect from the players here.... i hoped for better!... but!... there is a big but.... so many times i fell and rose again.... maybe its my time to choose a direction in which i wont fall anymore... and even when i fall... maybe its time to be stronger mentally... hate myself less... cause enough people hurt me.... its time for me to stop hurting myself....... coach is against me... the lazy people around are against me... but fuck them... i need to be on my self side... stop getting down on my self...
i hope now that they will close the program.... so i can start enjoying my life.... in the army you found out that there is more to life.... and my time is so short.... even if i was the king of the team.. scored many goals.... still probably 5 years from now i will be in war.... so stop crying.... dont smile to people who disrespect you..... look them in the eyes... know that they deserve to fuck off.... and remember to make use of everyday
13/11/2012
its so hard to focus, to try to study and disregard the fact that this is not where i want to be in my life.
im 23 and 4 months, and im not getting younger, they way i chose to play soccer, not hurting others, nice to everybody, was just the wrong way, and not good enough, if u wont show that you are better than all others, you will be out.
and im out, 23 chasing fucking little girls that i dont care about, while maya is far away, so far that i dont even want her back
when you are alone, and things r hard, you learn the most about yourself, well, ive been hurt so many times in my life, but it was because i didnt made the extra effort needed to stand out, didnt sprint enough before the season, didnt dribble enough, didnt do enough 1 on 1
the coach hurt me but fuck him, i left a place for doubt where i shouldnt have.
i read about ronaldo's life.... and its my life!... but i wasnt selfish enough!... didnt took what shiti character others did..... no one will give u.... either you take it, or it is gone!...
so now im in a situation in which i must act....
i will stay here in the winter, small job, freezing... and mainly relaxing...
just stop the life. so i can look clearly without all the distractions...... ive been chasing for 23 years... never happy enough of who i am... and now that soccer will not be what i want.... where war is comming closer... in a way i believe i have top 7 years to live.... its time to find some inner peace.....
start everyday with positive video, reaching the goal of becoming stronger, try to find one girl, but not get unconfident if it dosent work
im seek of calculating, seek of talking, on complaining, i need to create a future creat the person that i want to be
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