thoughts and ideas thirty three year old guy, grew up in canada and now living here, very open with my thoughts and will tell you all about them, but in English only, sorry for the inconvenience. |
| 3/2006
 alone
it's been nearly 24 hours that I have not spoken with my wife. This is our longest time apart since the flight in. I was sure she'd contact me before I went to bed last night, and then I was positive she'd call me this morning. But the phone remains silent.
My mood hovers between feeling bad that I caused her to worry and did not call her until 6am yesterday, to feeling annoyed that she's punishing me, that a marriage isn't about punishing and hurting the other, it's about dialogue and communication. Mostly though, it's just sadness, like a piece of my body has been ripped out of me and I'm walking around incomplete. I always tell Maly that we are not halves and each of us is whole and complete, and our relaionship is one of strength and love, not weakness and need. So now I must live by this philosophy and be strong and wait for her to forgive me.
I think one of the things that have always bothered me is people trying to change me into something I'm not. I naturally rebel and withdraw. I so much wanted in my marriage to feel loved and accepted as I am, not as I 'should' be. On the other hand, does this mean I do not have to care about others and be selfish? Every relationship involves making adjustments after all. At what point does it go from being adjustments, to something that threatens your very persona? She told me she can't handle my childish behavior, yet so often in the past this is exactly what she found special in me; my naive childish way of seeing the world. I don't want to turn into a puppet or to some weak character that is pushed around and appeases, giving up on himself just to keep others happy. This clearly is not the way to build a healthy marriage and will eventually collapse.
And yet, you made her worry, and stress and you have to accept her as she is too, a worrier and when she worries she gets upset and lashes out, especially if after a whole night of worrying, you don't show any tenderness or sympathy. Then again, I think I did show tenderness, I explained it to the best of my ability and apologized. She didn't accept my apologies. At some point I understood she was not even talking to me but rather at me, and I knew there was nothing I could say to soften the mood.
I think that to compensate for the huge distance between us, she feels a much greater need to be in control and on top of things, and any loss of control brings uncertainty and fear. The greater she claims her control the more I try to keep a little space to breathe. It's not the first time we've argued over this. She is certain of her position, and with me being completely uncertain about any of this, it is easier for her to come out on top.
Of this I am certain, nothing can be gained by punishing, silence does nothing to bring two people closer. If she insists on taking this 'educational' approach, no good will come of it. She is not here to be my mom, to be my teacher, or my warden. She is supposed to be my wife as I am her husband. We have to respect one another and if I broke that and made her worry and did not respect her need to feel secure, then it still doesn't give her a right to disrespect me in this way.
I'm complaining and whining, but I guess I have no words to explain this, just sadness, that someone I love so much feels so much more far than ever.
I remember this movie about a cool blind guy, who lived and studied and never felt 'blind' he made do, and everyone accepted him for who he was not for what he lacked. And then one day he was sunbathing by a pool and this small boy fell in and the guy dived into the water and in a panic tried to find him tried so hard. I don't remember how it ends, but I remember thinking that all at once the full weight of his situation hit him; he couldn't see, he was blind.
I am in Australia
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בן: 55
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