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קטעים בקטגוריה: ן¿½ן¿½ן¿½ן¿½.
לקטעים בבלוגים אחרים בקטגוריה זו לחצו .
 alone
it's been nearly 24 hours that I have not spoken with my wife. This is our longest time apart since the flight in. I was sure she'd contact me before I went to bed last night, and then I was positive she'd call me this morning. But the phone remains silent.
My mood hovers between feeling bad that I caused her to worry and did not call her until 6am yesterday, to feeling annoyed that she's punishing me, that a marriage isn't about punishing and hurting the other, it's about dialogue and communication. Mostly though, it's just sadness, like a piece of my body has been ripped out of me and I'm walking around incomplete. I always tell Maly that we are not halves and each of us is whole and complete, and our relaionship is one of strength and love, not weakness and need. So now I must live by this philosophy and be strong and wait for her to forgive me.
I think one of the things that have always bothered me is people trying to change me into something I'm not. I naturally rebel and withdraw. I so much wanted in my marriage to feel loved and accepted as I am, not as I 'should' be. On the other hand, does this mean I do not have to care about others and be selfish? Every relationship involves making adjustments after all. At what point does it go from being adjustments, to something that threatens your very persona? She told me she can't handle my childish behavior, yet so often in the past this is exactly what she found special in me; my naive childish way of seeing the world. I don't want to turn into a puppet or to some weak character that is pushed around and appeases, giving up on himself just to keep others happy. This clearly is not the way to build a healthy marriage and will eventually collapse.
And yet, you made her worry, and stress and you have to accept her as she is too, a worrier and when she worries she gets upset and lashes out, especially if after a whole night of worrying, you don't show any tenderness or sympathy. Then again, I think I did show tenderness, I explained it to the best of my ability and apologized. She didn't accept my apologies. At some point I understood she was not even talking to me but rather at me, and I knew there was nothing I could say to soften the mood.
I think that to compensate for the huge distance between us, she feels a much greater need to be in control and on top of things, and any loss of control brings uncertainty and fear. The greater she claims her control the more I try to keep a little space to breathe. It's not the first time we've argued over this. She is certain of her position, and with me being completely uncertain about any of this, it is easier for her to come out on top.
Of this I am certain, nothing can be gained by punishing, silence does nothing to bring two people closer. If she insists on taking this 'educational' approach, no good will come of it. She is not here to be my mom, to be my teacher, or my warden. She is supposed to be my wife as I am her husband. We have to respect one another and if I broke that and made her worry and did not respect her need to feel secure, then it still doesn't give her a right to disrespect me in this way.
I'm complaining and whining, but I guess I have no words to explain this, just sadness, that someone I love so much feels so much more far than ever.
I remember this movie about a cool blind guy, who lived and studied and never felt 'blind' he made do, and everyone accepted him for who he was not for what he lacked. And then one day he was sunbathing by a pool and this small boy fell in and the guy dived into the water and in a panic tried to find him tried so hard. I don't remember how it ends, but I remember thinking that all at once the full weight of his situation hit him; he couldn't see, he was blind.
I am in Australia
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 new horizons
Things have been happening. Life is slowly evolving forward. After 3 months with my gf we both decided that it was time to take things one step further. We are moving in together! :)
We discussed it and I came to the conclusion along with her that the current situation is difficult, expensive and no longer suits our needs. We tried to maintain a weekend relationship but found we want to be together more and more. Frustration and loneliness was slowly eroding the relationship we are working hard to build and enrich.
How do I feel about it? It's scary and exciting all at once. Imagine going from complete dominion over your space to a situation where there is a new person there all the time, all those little compromises I haven't thought about since the divorce...
On the other hand, coming home to her every evening (or her coming home to me depending on our schedules), not being alone in the evenings, waking up together, going out for coffee, movies, walks, or just staying home and spending time close to one another. Even if we each do our own thing, the mere fact of knowing the other is there in the other room sounds incredible.
So of course there will be fear, but there is also a new reality shaping up, and of course, all of it is going to be featured on the blog :)
ciao!
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 happy love day!!
Dear readers!
With Maly's permission I decided to recount a story she told me not long ago. It seems there was this lonely man that enjoyed taking walks in the woods near his house. One day, while walking, he came across a coccoon hanging from a little branch. He got really excited and decided to visit his coccoon and watch it grow and become a beautiful butterfly. Every day in his walk he would stop near the branch and look at the coccoon. very soon he was even measuring and graphing the progress of the coccoon wondering when the time will come. Slowly over time the rigid structure started getting transluscent and a wrapped up butterfly coul almost be seen inside. This made the man very happy and he recorded it in the journal he was now keeping. The following day he noticed movement inside and realized that the butterfly was trying to make it's way out of the coccoon prison. The man knew it was a matter of a day or two before it would come out of it's capitivity and into the light. He decided that he was not going to miss the eevn and went home to get a sleeping bag and of course his papers and graphs. The big moment had arrived! However, time passed and the butterfly struggled but could not get out. The man realized that as a gesture of goodwill to his butterfly he would set her free. He took out the scalpel he aways carried on him (don't ask, a whole other story), and gently gently slit through the softening coccoon. The butterfly twisted around a few more times and found the opening. Within a few seconds it slipped out of the coccoon and landed on a nearby branch. The man was exctatic and watched the little insect carefully, while at the same time removing the coccoon and keeping it as a souvenir. The butterfly slowly spreads its wings, revealing brillant blue with red blotches and aired them out. The man held his breath and waited for his butterfly to take wing. She did indeed flap her wings but quickly realized she did not have the strength to fly, and was stuck on the branch...
The moral of the story is quite obvious isn't it? Sometimes you have to get through the hard bits yourself or you won't have the strength to fly...
However...since this is a belated love day entry, I decided to continue the story, since having a disappointed man looking at a handicapped butterfly in the woods did not strike me as a very romantic and happy story.
The man very carefully took the butterfly home and built it a little cage. He places a cup with sugar water in the corner and then set about building it a little butterfly treadmill so she could work out. Naturally he recorded her progress and watched her wings strengthen every day. Finally when he was sure she could finally fly, he took her outside, wished her good travels, and opened his hand. She flapped her wings a few times and flew up into the air! He smiled as it flew in circles then dropped down. For a moment he was afraid she still was not strong enough, but she deftly flew to his face, caressed him with her wings and then flew off, looking for a beautiful flower deep in the woods...
happy love day everyone!
Maly, I love you.
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