God will put a smile upon my face

 she's been dead for a while now.i've got nothing left but dirty,empty words i once poured into a letter with so much resentment.so many are dead now.few memories.stained with water marks mostly.how i wish things would've ended up differently.in a perfect world i might have imagined them.we'd chat for a while and i would tell them how much i've changed -oh granny i'm changed! -i'm not the source of all evil, grandpa!you can be proud of me now.i  do not hate you now.just before.i wish i could look one more time into your wet eyes and say i'm sorry, god i'm sorry!!i needed you

i'm lost