So its been a while since I wrote something here..
I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to write in english, only because I moved back to NY and I'm at work and obviously they dont have hebrew on the computer..
So..News?
For some reason..My life will always continue to be crazy.
I'm not sure anymore if the problem is me? Or God?
I mean..The last blog I wrote, I felt alone. And it was after my dad died..
But I was still with my boyfriend then..
My boyfriend was everything to me, The support and love I got from him during that whole time was absolutley amazing....
and 6 months ago, while we were engaged to be married - he broke up with me and fell in love with someone else...
I was heartbroken. It was the first time, I ever felt lost. All of a sudden I started dealing with my dads death and then him? Was way too much for me
Not to mention - I just finished the army!! And for me it was like my second home..I wish I couldve stayed there forever...The commander - was like my father, he took care of me. And all of a sudden I'm left with no army, No money, no boyfriend and still no dad.
I collapsed. I started taking calming pills and valium to calm down. I had too many anxiety attacks and I couldnt breathe. I was in the hospital for 2 nights because I was shaking to death.
And then i started working..
and i still couldnt deal. i cried everyday for 4 months.
then I came to visit the states...MY home...
I missed it to much..so after visiting..I decided to buy from Cali a plane ticket to NY.
My mom was left alone in Israel - when she doesnt have any family there or any friends and she doesnt even know the language.
Im such a bad daughter..but I had to do it...I couldnt not do it
I felt as if I were to come to Israel, I would collapse again.
i couldnt deal. so i stayed in my home town.
I came to NY with no money. I stayed with one of my friends for a while till I found an apt. I have no idea how I've been surviving the past few months..
it so unreal.
my life is just so unreal
everything that happened to me is unreal.
and now
im having the worst dejavu
Oct 25 2006 my dad went to the hospital and since that day my life has been hell.
and now? Oct 27 2007 My grandmother in California is the hospital because she had a stroke and she cant eat. AND my uncle in israel - the only one that used to take care of my mom and assured me that she's okay has cancer which they cant perform surgery because its too big of a tumor.
so he's dying.
Im reliving that whole time all from the beginning.
will i ever be happy? will i ever have peace?
my sister said it best -
"am i supposed to b superwoman or something? why are we dealing with all of this?"
im falling apart again.
reliving the death of my dad...again.
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