The Moral Limit

Disregard the chaotic manner of my writing-

I've reached the sagacity while writing... so it's basically thoughts, quite repetitive and around the point but I hope it's clear enough.

Working so hard to please everyone,

sacrificing resources from myself for this cause-

only to fail in it time after time, over and over again.

Labor unappreciated

or simply never understood.

Finding myself pleasing nobody,

including myself.

If me trying never leads to success-

maybe I should simply stop…

That way, at least someone should be somewhat pleased;

that is I.

Living for others sucks, but sucking at that- sucks even more.

I cannot please everyone, all friends, all family, all colleagues and myself.

I don't have that much in me to give, even though I really want to!

I give a little bit to everyone, giving myself perhaps a little more (after all, my happiness is quite important for my survival as well as my core of energy to maintain the other things I have to give), but it happens to be that this little bit that everyone's getting is enough for nobody at all. No one is pleased with me.

I disappoint my family,

I disappoint my friends,

I disappoint my colleagues,

and for the record, my commanders as well.

Therefore, by seeing my whole world disappointed of me, I disappoint myself, for I constantly fail in satisfying others.

Then, when I feel bad, I close within myself (myself and my other self, my love), for comfort- for it pleases me. Therefore, pleasing him too, which pleases me even more (as it has always been, and mutual too). That only damages the others in the circle of whose getting hurt- by me giving them less, while my own satisfaction only blooms (by getting away to my source of joy closing my eyes to their pain) and I find myself more pleased, not paying attention to the others getting hurt, focusing on my own joy and satisfaction.

This only causes those circles to grow monstrously, my the disappointment grows as well, and I am pressed away even more, because it seems to me that it doesn't matter what I do- I hurt, because when I need the energy-charge, that happens so it seems, only in the astrals, with my love; others don't see just how much I need it, especially because this abyss was created between us and it brings us to another explosion.

This tears me apart.

That's why it seems most of the time that my life's getting on the right track, 'till it blows up in my face and things only seem worse. It's a circle that doesn't seem to break. It's as if I get deluded, and not just I.

Trying leads to a failure which leads to the distance which leads to a temporary relief then to more anger then to more distance, until it blows up really hard, then I try again- to please, and naturally, this whole circle rebegins and again leads to an epic fail.

All this, because of the simple fact I don't have that much to give!

Now I understand. Now I finally see.

There is not enough of me to give.

Which means I have to choose.

Me

Family

Friends

Army

Army is the least important to me, naturally I'd give up on that, which leaves me plenty of time for the others, army's taking most of my time, effort and resources, and it deserves the least. But then again, the second ones on my list find the army second after themselves, which brings it combined to a second place together with my own second place.

Which leaves friends last.

Friends, that all those years my family wanted me to have, and felt sorry for me, thinking I don't have a social life. It used to be important!- Until I had to give my friends a part that came on my family's expense.

Which bring me back to the list, that leaves me, last.

All those things that are meant for me, to serve me, Family, Friends, Army, leave ME and what I WANT - - LAST.

I gave myself entirely.

Letting others but me choose what's best for me; when my choice, is their last on the list.

I know what's right for me. I do; but I feel trapped. Like I can't do the right thing, that's why I never succeed.

If I pleased everyone, there'd be nothing left for me to please myself with. I could do that, but how long should I survive like this? I'd live in misery. And no one wants that for me, especially not I.

It's not who I am.

Egoistic as I might be, that, is who I am.

And that is all you're gonna get.

|

V

Because that is all I have to give.

It feels good to do, whatever makes me feels good.

~Infernity