חג שבועות שמח.
I guess I'm still looking for myself, feeling so terribly insecure almost everywhere I go.
And people, oh people. they just suck. there're always those who just love to take advantage of the fact that I can't stand against them. even and especially my friends.
But it's me, hey. people probably read this (if they do) and think 'oh that girl is so insecure with no self-confidence' and they probably pity me. But the truth is... I don't see it that way. It's true that I'm not the complete person who I wanna be, I wanna be a girl that 100% doesn't care of what people say, goes just the way she wants wherever whenever she wants and does whatever she wants. And most of the time I do whatever I want, but I still care though. I still care.
I remember what they say. I go to school with all the clothes that I've chosen to wear - But I see their looks. I care about what they think and say.
My friends can tell me some bad things about my clothes, my hair, myself - and I laugh or laugh at myself and in my heart I say "fuck you, are you even my friend? you wear some worse shit than I do. you'd wish to have my hair. actually you'd wish to be me. cuz I'm much smarter, much prettier."
And I never say that. I just take a deep breath and keep laughing at myself - and when I get home I wish to be someone stronger, to fuck them if they say anything bad about me. to tell them to go to hell and then to leave them and find some other friends. but I might need their company - so I won't be alone in this fucked up thing that's called my life.
Oh I want to shout out these things. to make people not say anything bad at all - even when they don't like something that I do or wear or say. compliment me if you do think I deserve it, or shut the fuck up.
It's me, don't you like it bitch? you may leave.
People come, people go.
They fuck you over inside and pretend to be there for you. oh right? go, hypocrisy.
But me... I forever stay.
I can't reveal all I have to say. I can't let this tiniest chance to say the truth and leave me with no friends. oh friends.
I know that one day I'll stand up for who I am. I'll say some sweet goodbyes to those who stood there and made me feel so sickly disgusted with myself, even if their intentions weren't bad. even if they called themselves my friends. even if they saw me as their friend. they just did it, with no aim to hurt me. they just did it, because I wasn't saying anything and standing for myself. but inside me, I was crying out to defend myself. and if they knew it they'd say "oh she's taking it too far, oh we didn't know it bothered her, oh why is she so overrating?" and they would make me feel and look extremely bad and pathetic.
I guess I haven't reached the rightest place for me to be. Or haven't found the rightest people to hang out with.
בבלוג זה
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חִינָנִית. ♥