?Do you see the world through troubled eyes

I don't really know where I am in my life right now. And hey, maybe it shouldn't bother me as much as it does, because really, who knows that at eighteen? Still, I'm one of these people that over-think everything and have to have a clear path in order to walk it. Right now, I don't have it.

I feel like a mess. I don't know where my relationship is going; I don't know where I want it to go. I've managed to stick along so far despite my fear of commitment, but at this point, shouldn't I be seeing some kind of improvement in the way things are going?
It's nothing that he does. Most of the time, he's supporting, understanding and caring. But I'm struggling with myself. Why are there days when I just avoid him because I feel I can't handle this relationship stuff? Why do I still wanna push myself away? I've been fighting these doubts, I really have. I've stayed so far despite them; and yes, technically, it's not such a long time, but for me it's an achievement. So, at this point, should there be some kind of a change? I'm just afraid that it's never going to change... and so what am I really doing, leading him on like this? If the doubts don't disappear, and I stay in this relationship longer, it's just going to be harder on both of us. So what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Bail out, or take a risk and stay longer?

Maybe I'm not built for relationships.

I don't know where I'm going with some of my friendships. Every time I'm ready to give up, she does/says something nice that makes me reconsider everything. And I'm still ready to go above and beyond for her... but is it one-sided? Can we really fix this? Cause I really do wonder.

I don't know where I'm going with my illness. I've moved forward, yes, I've defiantly recovered physically... but, still, I find myself fighting not to self-destruct in some way. Does it really ever go away? Or am I constantly going to be at war with myself? Will there be a day when I'll go back to the way I was before, before I’ve had all these poisoning thoughts. Do they really ever go away? Can I truly learn to be happy with myself? Can I have the strength to not be ashamed of what I look like, can I embrace myself? Can I look at my reflection and be content? Or at least, not feel disgusted? I really fucking hope I can