.Welcome to my ever changing and un-sure rhythm of thoughts
I
have been sitting here for hours trying to arrange my thought into word, and
hopefully into at least line or two. I know what I want to write, just not how.
Maybe I am just too proud to admit it, maybe on this subject
I am still shy. so
bear with me a bit as I try to arrange this chaos storm into a map of lines and
traces
I have consider myself and also know other will consider me a
creature of paradox, one aspect of that is
leadership. to some degree I can be quite a good leader when I take this role upon myself. Althought naturally lazy, I am quite competitive and challenge can awake a lot in me. but when I have a choice in a lot of case I will choose to be the second . Please note I wrote the second not the third or five, regardless
however
, it is always good if people think you are less dangerous then you actually
are. consider my natural ability to cut throw barriers , it is make it quite
easy when they are not expecting it. Although most time I am peaceful just
because war seems too much energy and time consuming, it is always good to be ready and prepared. how other will or will not view me , I will answer only to one.
?then why, and why one
as
for the number I don't know yet only one can rule me whole. The only logical
reason I can think of is being less vulnerable, but let's be honest it is not a
matter of cold logic only. as to why chose to be second and not first it is an
easy answered embarrassing one really, simple unfulfillment of need to belong.
this feeling of alone, of not belonging anywhere. it goes around in any form of mine,
it goes in every lifetime I had, at every journey.
even if we just look on me as human
I do not belong on in this country religion
I do not belong completely in both my families sides
I do not belong in gender
I do not belong in this body
if it deep enough it can also work the opposite by being someone number one. once I feel really deep to him or her and claimed them as mine. I make them belong to me and there for I also have a place to be belong to. it will both need to be real ,honest and both quite rare for me ,since it come to heal something big, in a way this is two side of the same coin.
Is it fate or just luck?
I don't know, I can't really explain what will make me follow someone.
I just feel something overpowering and strong in this deity most likely not yet completely shaped. that spark will call to me, will make my night insane will make me wanting it , powerless to this light.
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בכל הבלוגים
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