I got new scales.
63 kg on 177 cm. BMI 20.
In order to reach the BMI I want, 17 (underweight), I need to weight 53 kg.
10 kg less than I am now.
Not a biggie, I can do it.
I've once reached 58, my previous final goal.
Lost 30 kg.
For now I can only remember what I ate today and the day before. 24 Hours passed between the two meals.
A salad with garlic bread and some bread with strawberry jam yesterday,
And mushroom soup and a cup of cornflakes without milk today.
I've decided I won't count calories anymore.
Too big of a burden to obsess about everyday.
I prefer just to eat a bit once a day, non fat stuff.
I don't eat dairy products anymore. No fried food as well. Trying to eat as less carbs as possible.
I can feel and see my bones again.
This is an amazing feeling.
I don't eat for 24 hours and the change is already noticeable.
My mom said I shrunk. That I lost much weight.
My boyfriend said he likes the changes but warned me not to get into this again. I love him with all my heart but this time it's about me and Ana. Not me and him. And I'm gonna reach my goals the way I know it.
Apparently I was standing on 70 kg +- for a long while, before Ana reappeared.
So I lost about 5-8 in a month without trying much. Just eating a bit less.
This time, after knowing Ana for a long while now, and all of her tricks, I'm gonna do it right. Finish it, and stay on the same weight minus.
Slowly lower the amount of meals like I did now, carefully think before eating anything, fasting for 30 hours maximum for now, gain my strength step by step instead of rushing my body till it crashes.
Start exercising a bit, do more each time.
Take it slowly but seriously. So that after a month I'd be able to fast for 80 hours without even thinking about cracking.
I want to be skin and bones.
Not because of the world's standards for beauty now days. Not because I want to feel fabulous or anything like that.
But because thin is beautiful. Thin feels amazing. Because then I'd be able to wear whatever the fuck I want without feeling uncomfortable with my body. Then I'd be able to do porn like I always dreamed.
No, I'm just kidding about the last part, but you got my point.
I love bones, I love the feeling of being small, taking less room, being lighter.
Everyday, I spend at least 2 hours in total looking and touching my bones.
Watch the space between my legs getting bigger. My hands, tummy, cheeks,,, smaller.
Needing more holes in my belt even though I made new ones just a few months ago.
Moving each of my rings to a bigger finger, where they used to get stuck before.
Going from size 40 to 38-36.
Because of all that and a lot more I want to be skinny.
The feeling of slimness. Being free and light as a feather.
And I can't do this without Ana's help. And having Mia there for the rough times (that I hope will come very rarely this time).
I want to feel empty and beautiful.
Cassie. ♥
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Cassie.