So for the last few days, doesn't matter what I do or where I go, I always find myself back at the depressive state of mind.
It's been quite a while since my depressive period. It's a little different this time. I have moments of joyful distractions, and while being sad I know I want to be happy, only I don't know how to change it. In my previous depressions, I wanted nothing quite so much as to sink into my sadness, and joyful moments were rarities.
Getting high, getting drunk, having sex, watching a comedy, playing, eating tasty food, working on my music, or forcing a smile on my face for costumers/friends of sort - they all make me feel good... but only for a few minutes. I soon get back to feeling bad.
Not only has anything come to trigger it, it happens without a trigger too.
When nothing actively makes me happy (and it's harder to make me happy even actively these days), then I am very sad.
I don't even have to have bad thoughts to enter the sad zone.
Everyday had a bit of sadness when my thoughts of death pop to mind, but now even when thinking of nothing I realize how sad I feel. And I can't tell why or how to snap out of it for more than a few minutes.
In the past when feeling bad, I knew I needed vacation; I needed to run away, I could do crazy stuff, now I can't.
I don't even feel like running, I don't feel like a vacation could help. I don't feel like doing anything at all. I suffer by the thought of doing anything.
I want to be happy but I can't think of anything that would make me happy. If I am pushed into do something that makes me happy, I will get happy, but just so long this happy activity is being done.
It feels like nothing in this world could make me happy. And that is just so sad.
It's like I'm stuck in a sphere of sadness. And I don't want to live my life in constant distractions of joy, I just want to be indifferent +. A tad bit happy on default.
Even releasing my first single, which a few days ago, the mere thought of it made me overwhelmed, now has me indifferent to it. I don't feel excitement. I am not excited before anything now really.
I don't know what to do, I feel so miserable, and I've no reason to feel bad! And in addition every tiny thing that I don't like can make me so furious.
What is wrong with me?! It has never happened to me before.
I hate it. I just want it to go away. I can't concentrate in being productive, because nothing motivates me, no thought can make me happy.
I feel damaged, and I don't know what caused it.
I don't know what to do!!!
Even quick food for the ego didn't help, it used to always make me feel good, even if for a mere second. And doesn't matter how many compliments I'm getting, my mind wouldn't respond to it.
Help :( I feel so lost
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Daenerys