Fire and Blood

There is no good or evil in this world, only different minds. One's good is someone else's evil, and right and wrong are subjective terms. It's what makes us strong a race and a productive one, and yet what makes us weak and vulnerable and self-destructive.

People say one should learn how to deal with problems and face them. Recently however, I've learnt that escaping and avoiding them problems is not always a bad call. There are wars I don't mean to fight. Why should I fight wars I cannot win?

Family, Duty, Honour… those were never my words, only Fire and Blood.

I'm facing a point in life that I'd once choose to handle by leaving this world, ending my life, ending my wars, my suffering, my guilt and all the wrongs I might've committed.

I'm wiser today. Wrongs I have committed but those for which I am blamed are not the ones. I've always feared those who had no conscience at all; crazy people and awful. Today I know why. Those who have no conscience will do whatever good for themselves, and those who stand in their way would be pushed aside in whatever fashion that comes handy. Are those lucky for being able to do so, suppressing emotion to a frozen waste until they're to serve a meriting purpose? Or is it rather sad, worthy of mercy and pity?

I suppose thoughts on the matter are various, as often as various thoughts on matters can be. What I do know however, is that I am no different.

I've long accepted the fact that it's in the human nature to be egocentric. And I have things in life I want to gain. Gaining requires sacrificing and often risking. I've made that risk once in the past, willing to sacrifice hell of a lot, and so I am ready to do it again.

I was ready to be ditched by all those who claim to love me so I can stay with the one who loves me the most.

But it is no secret I have failed them all, not once nor twice. I am expected to give warmth that I don't have in me, complete duties I cannot fulfill and tell truth that is too harsh and destructive and painful for that kin. I am asked to apologize for deeds that mean no apology, for I have purposely served my own, and sacrifices were made. I am expected to take responsibility, and I do.

Though it's hard to understand, I am not evil, and neither are my deeds. They are mere self-serving and those who are not myself suffer out of some of my acts if standing in my way. Therefore I cannot have their love and deserve it even less. As a matter of fact, their love to me only pains me, and so- it pains them, probably more.

It is not possible to have me do things out of will if I don't have it in me. One can't choose what feelings to possess towards what.

I cannot describe how much it pains me to hurt those who love me, and yet it pains me a thousand fold more, when those who love me hurt me.

That is why I must leave. The good that's in me to give, does not answer the requirements and expectations out of me.

I know it's hard to live out there, without people to love me truly and for long, but I don't have enough in me to purchase such love. I dearly respect anyone who holds any fashion of love towards me, for I am not easy to like, not to mention love. I have many sides in me that most would view as flaws of the worst kind. As for love, I have love only for myself, and anything that is part of me.

This is why my banishment is so painful, family will always be a part of me, with or without me wanting it, and yet their love for me is too painful for me to keep.

With all due respect, I choose to leave.

If I could ease their pain by taking their love for me away from them, I would, but family can't be chosen.

I know that within their hearts, within their motherly and fatherly love, they cry for I've made them pain more than any parent should.

I am not a daughter a parent should ever desire, I've failed as a daughter, but then again, that's never been a purpose of mine. My parents only failed making it one, but they stood no chance in the first place. I am what I am what I was meant to be, and the world holds all kinds of people, some worse and some better.

Many should consider me of the worst kind; I however think myself better.