how many years has it ben since the last time i was here? probably a lot but that's not what i'm here for. however i'm regretful of not logging every once in a while to update about my life, just so i could come back later and read it. maybe
i should start writing again. off topic.
the real reason why i'm here is because i need to get something off my chest, something that was bothering even when i was still writing in here. something i badly want to talk about with someone yet feel to uncomfortable to open up about with pretty much everyone. so a complete stranger suggested that i write, just so i could feel that i've said it any maybe it will make me feel slightly better. obviously it's not going to magically solve my problem but... it's something, right?
it's something i wrote at before, but back then i was so ashamed that i couldn't address the real issue in words. so
today i will just say it even if it's painful, it's painful even when if it's just a block of letters that makes words, words with meaning but nevertheless just words.
my dad is well, homeless.
and of course it's more than just that, but... knowing that your dad is so poor he can't even afford a house, fuck, he can't even afford to fix his teeth! and honestly i can't even describe how painful it is to see someone you love in such situation and just having to watch because really, i can't help him.
so no money? no going to the dentist. his teeth always looked bad, black, rotten to the core and some even missing. i was always uncomfortable looking at him when he talks as i found myself staring at his mouth and getting distracted. but now it's even worse. didn't think it was possible. now one of his front teeth is missing and he looks like a fucking toothless kid, except his's aren't going to grow back and that's anything but cute. and it wouldn't be so much of an issue if it didn't bother him... but it does. when it happened i could tell he was very self conscious about it, obviously trying to hide it and laughing with his mouth closed. he also stopped making his silly face with a big smile on his face, some trademark of his's.
(added this part after i finshed writing .)
++ i hate to admit that i'm sometimes embarrassed to be seen in public with you. when i see someone i know i will try and find the way to go and talk to them without you. i hate it and it's stupid but i'm working on it on the 'don't give a damn about others' attitude because that's the right spirit, you thought me that. but really it's hard to do when you surely don't give a flying fuck about your appearance. and i don't expect you to dress to impress but... a worn tshirt, with old shorts and some second hand shoes you got from my cousin paired with high socks (oh god why) you ungroomed hair that's always white, your beer belly and again, your teeth... sometimes you really do seem like a hobo. and i feel the stares from people in the mall when they walk by us. and again, appearance doesn't matter all that much but you just look so unkempt...
++ sometimes i feel guilty for accepting the money and gifts you buy me, you should've bought yourself something nice to wear... i will never forget that time i was still in elementary school and you bought me a doll i wanted but when i got home i cried because i felt so guilty, even then i knew you didn't have enough money.
but what bothers me more than anything is that... he isn't the person i thought he is. as i kid i always looked up to him, he is so smart, he always knew what to say to make me happy and most importantly he loved me unconditionally, he still does of course. but as i kid i failed to see his flaws or perhaps i was blindly and whole heartedly believing he was the 'perfect dad for me' as i used to alway say. be he isn't, far from that matter of fact.
back then i always said i loved him more than mom, without blinking twice. even though its mom i've lived with ever since i was two years old. i only saw dad once a week and sometimes on the weekends. at that time he was still pretty stable and living with his girlfriend. mom said not long ago that he spent all the money he worked so hard for on her. back then he still had a job and a house, i wonder if he misses it.
now he's okay, for few more months. he is living with his sister in a spare room. problem is that they are taking the house down and building a new house, a house with no spare room. maybe it's their subtle hint that they don't want him there anymore. my aunt said not to worry, that it will be okay. my dad said the same. but it's the same person who once was literally homeless, only having a car to call home. he had to sleep there in the summer, probably sweating like crazy, and then in the winter, probably freezing. and i don't want to think about how uncomfortable it is. he told me he was showering in the showers they have in the beach. i probably cried a lot on the day he told me that, not as much as i'm crying now as i'm writing this. because even though he isn't practically homeless right now, the situation is still bad, still sadding.
i honestly don't know if he's really fine with the way he lives, i can tell he isn't exactly the happiest, no one would be in this situation but it's hurts, hurts to see him like that and hurts even more that he never talks to me about it. maybe he's just as uncomfortable as i am with the topic. i too, can't bring myself to talk about it after all. all he ever say is that he choose to live that way. the father i admired as a kid was stronger than this man, a man that gave up on himself.
or maybe he was. after all i only saw the good in him as a kid. now that's i'm fully an adult he's definitely more open with me, sometimes too open. he says things i would rather a parental figure would never say, suddenly i see a dirty side of him that i never knew even existed. i see a squareish person that refuses to accept a failure. as a kid i used to think he was just kidding... boy was i wrong. he really, really gets angry, really easily. "once i thought that i should keep a weapon - something like a kinfe - in my car just in case, but then i imagined a situation when someone pisses me off on the road and i will just take it out and stab them" he said to me once and then it suddenly hit me, like i was forced to see this side of my dad. and it clicked right in place, that he was someone who easily got angry, someone that had no control over himself when he gets angry. we met today and he blurted out that he regrets breaking his xbox i was confused at first then he said "i got so angry at the game that i threw the xbox" and later added that he once broke three computer screens in the spwan of two months.
and yes, that's where his money goes to. mom said before that he probably spent all the money he got from his parents on gambling or games. at first i didn't believe her but deep inside i knew she was right. my mom worked so hard to basically raise me as a single mother, my dad didn't do anything, my mom wasn't only the only one taking care of me she was the only one paying for everything, my dad didn't pay a dollar. why? because he couldn't stay at one job for too long, he had now steady income. but i don't blame him.
i know he's isn't like this because he really he's lazy, he is suffering just as much as i am with my depression. throw into that anxiety, his passive aggressive personality and last but not least him irresponsibility and you're get a person that's probably miserable. and knowing that this person is your dad is heartbreaking.
i wish i could help, but a person like him, that doesn't want to get help - can't be helped. not that i could do much anyways.
now my fingers hurts from writing so much, probably the longets post i have on this blog, spent an hour just crying and typing. not my fault i'm on my period and i'm even more sensitive than i usually am. but at least my heart is an ease, for now. feels good to let it out even if just for myself and this blog.
and to end it nicely. i love you dad no matter what and i wish you nothing but the best and the most important thing for me is that you will be happy.
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