They told me I could be anything, so I remained a child.

sometimes because I want to find someone who is like me just to feel I'm not alone

because the world is so big, even this one planet

and in a world so big who am I?

To me this world feels so alone because everyone wants to be someone

and so it becomes that every one wants to be unique

and if you are unique you are no longer a part of something right?

I feel so alone almost all of the time but there are those moments,

unrelated to nothing that just make me feel like a whole person again,

like I am not alone, like everything is connected.

one of those moments was when I saw this post for example:

Folloed by these emails and post:

or when just a few days I got a phone call from "unknown" and when I answerd the one behind the line played some sort of music and then hung up, and even if it was just a prank it made me so happy...

Today I opened PostSecret.Com and this was the  thing that started me crying:

It's silly, really.

This is exactly who I am, in two simple sentences.

I was always the "normal child", out of 5 siblings.

The thing is when you are the "normal child", the other ones are treated with care, whenever something happens you are the one that will be okay, you are the one that never needs special attention.

It makes you want to be unique but also it makes you want to belong at the same time and that screws you up;

how can you be special and be like everyone else at the same time?

I'm thinking about so many things now, so many conflicts the thing I just mentioned made me think about

my whole life is a conflict who I relate to my parents and family who made me the "normal child" even thou I was once the most favourite child.

I miss being the most favourite kid, I miss standing out, I still want to be special

yet it feels so lonely to be special so I don't want it.

I try to imitate those people that shine yet I can't so I begin to hate the shiny things in life.

I just want to forget everything, I don't want to have to worry about it anymore.

I promised myself never to give up, never to committe suicide even thou now it is so so tempting, I will be no more than a pathetic loser if I give up my life, because life is the most precious thing you've got.

Then I find myself wishing to die by an accident, an illness or something, that way my family will break less than it would if I committe suicide. So they won't have to wonder why I did it, and blame themselves.

Believing in god is not me, but I can understand why people believe, because they want to be heard, they want

to believe that there is someone or something that is a part of you who understands. sometimes I want to be able to believe in god too.

To the one who wrote that post:

You wrote "So my family didn't have to cope with my suicide" and I just want to say

they will have to cope with your death even if it isn't a suicide.

They whould still hurt because even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it they care.

Probably you won't see this blog and what I wrote but I wanted to tell you anyway,

they do care, and you ARE special, and you are not alone in this even if you don't believe in god and still pray to him it is okay. Everything is okay, and you are shining.

This is at least how I think about it, and probably I'm over thinking it as well.

I'm 16, and I still feel the same like in that post, although I hope with all my heart that someday I won't...

That someday being the "normal child" won't bother me anymore and affect me so much because I will change, and I will be happy and shine like I never did and nothing will bother me like this. I won't need to be special and I will feel like people do care. 

And I hope the same for you.

[What I wrote is a bit confusing I think... I didn't even get what I want to say by writing all of this, I will still post it thou]

~~~~~~

Miki.