זרִיחַתָה.

Big mirror.

I’m standing in front of a big, shining, merciless big mirror.

The reflection is uneasy to look at. Strange, I usually love mirrors, very much.

It is not comfortable for me to stand here in front of this mirror; the reflection makes my eyes sore and teary, it makes my body twist and squirm, my soul screams: “not again”.

Maybe I’ll try to ignore it or look through it, maybe I’ll try to stand from a distance.

None of that work. The mirror is too big to ignore, you can’t really look through a mirror without seeing yourself, and the room is too small to step back.

Had at least it was a lying mirror where I would look thinner.

Wait a minute, I know this mirror. I recognize those brown rust stains on the upper left side, and what’s that? I know those fractures on bottom right side.

How did I find myself standing in front of the same mirror again? Didn’t I put it away years ago? I could swear I gave it to someone. Yes, they were somewhat reluctant to take it, I can understand them. Who wants to look so closely at the mazes of his soul? I guess they have returned it one day when I wasn’t home, not saying anything, not even leaving a note. So much for treating people with gifts. It’s one thing to re-gift, but to return a present? It was never heard of.

Now I’m stuck with it again.

Let’s see if I can carry it to the attic with out standing in front of it. Oops, what’s that? I didn’t remember that it’s a two side mirror, and this side is aaahh, fattening. I’ll go back quickly to the other side. It’s too heavy to carry it any way. I’ll wait for some friends to pass by and ask for their help.

Well my dear, so you’re stuck now with that mirror for a while. Which side do you prefer? the fattening side, or the truth telling one? What do you know, I never though I’ll ever choose a fattening mirror had I had the choice.

I’m very sorry, but there’s a limit for how long a girl can stare at her fat thighs. I guess the only other option is to face the truth.

Of course I can do it. I did it before and survived didn’t I?! Yes, it was almost 20 years ago, so? Yes, I was much younger and braver, but…don’t interrupt me. I was about to finish this sentence, now I don’t remember anymore what I wanted to say.

 Look at you old cracks, I remember how you came to be, I came home one day from school, frustrated and slummed my fist against you.

And you old fractures, yes I remember you too, it was years later when my best friend turned against me and made all of my friends not talk to me for more than a year, I came home and banged my leg against you. I was always afraid that mom will find out about it. But I couldn’t hide it for too long, she had to look at you eventually, she had to look at me.

And look at you old rust stains; I used to touch you, trying to feel you, thinking you’re ugly and that my mirror can’t be perfect with you. Now you seem to me kind of nice, you’re giving the mirror an antique look. Funny how a perspective change.

So, look at us, sitting here together for a while. My eyes doesn’t sore any more, my stomach stop twisting and I’m sitting comfortably with my legs crossed in front of you, very close to you, touching you.

The storm inside me has calmed down.

There’s quiet inside.

The struggle has stopped. It feels so good.

So peaceful.

I even started to recognize myself in you.

I’m looking at you, and finding myself smiling. Smiling this little smile, the one you can sometimes hardly see, but I know it’s there because my face is calm, relaxed, at peace. Like the face I have when my mom says that it shows I had a good afternoon nap.

What do you know mirror, these rust stains match the rust colored spots I have in my green eyes. And these old cracks remind me of the wrinkles I already have around my eyes at the age of 33.

And the fractures?

These fractures are like the wounds I’ll always carry with me in my heart.

For ever and ever.

They are the wounds who shaped who I am, for better and for worse.

Why is my voice weaker more than usual now?

It is not weaker, it is softer.

It is reconciled.