Oscar Wilde once said "for us
there is only one season - the season of sorrow". He wrote it in "De
Prefundis" while being in Reading Gaol. I find myself coming back to it
in times of hardships in my life, such as now. For me he is the poet of
suffering and beauty, of making a work of art out of your sorrows and sometimes
I wish to follow his example.
I feel like it now, having sorrow
stretched before me. Depression, in simpler words. There are still good things
in my life, as few as they are but sadness covers almost everything. I feel
fragile, like I am made of easily breakable glass. I feel like I have to move
and speak softly (and not only because my throat aches). Like every bad word or
harsh phrase will break my careful facade of self control and then like tiny
cracks it will dissolve in flood of tears.
I feel like I am moving in a cloud
of grayness, like "nothing now will ever come to any
good". I feel bone tired, in body and soul. I feel weary to my very core
for spending so much of myself in actions and words while being returned so
little. I tried so hard, still do and did not succeeded. I hoped and I waited
and I worked hard to no avail. I was left with nothing for my efforts, time
after time. I do not have the will or power to fight on anymore. I do not mean
that I have suicidal thoughts merely the fact that I feel drained and hopeless.
There is a future in the long run, not necessarily all bad, yet I fail to see
it beyond the next two weeks.
I feel that the everyday tasks of
life are too arduous for me. I feel difficulty in just living. Death is easy,
it is life that is the real bitch. By saying that death is easy I do not mean
that it is the better option, hardly. I'm sure that the process of suicide is very
painful (without firsthand experience) but death is very final and not
recurring. Life is. Life is having to wake up every day and deal with your
problems and sorrows time after time after time. It is hard and it requires new
strength everyday. My parents cannot fathom any of it and it makes things that
much harder.
Depression is not a choice nor it is
a sign of weakness or laziness or all other negative stereotypes. It is a
mental condition which occurs or develops with time and you have to live with
it. I do not speak as a medical expert, merely as a person living with periodical
depression. It requires strength not to give up on life, to go on. I salute
everyone who continues living on while being depressed or having other mental
issues.Heaven knows nothing is ever easy.
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