About a year and a half ago, as I was walking around Azrieli, I came across some stand selling pictures and gasped in awe.
One of the pictures there depicted a young lad, with blond hair and blue eyes, with fine light skin, wearing a green and white garland. His face was shown from a semi-profile angle, and he smiled lightly. And he was beautiful, oh so beautiful. He was a perfect reflection of everything beautiful. He was youth, he was grace, he was charm, he was art, he was a seraph. I thought I finally had a chance to see Dorian Gray. Oh, how grieved I was not able to buy the picture...
I wrote a chouka about the encounter. I could keep onto that. But I still missed Dorian. Dorian... Dorian... You were lost and gone forever; dreadful sorry, Dorian! Dorian drowned in a sea of manmade second-rate art. He is never to be seen again. And with time, he drowned in my memory too.
Yesterday I went to take a haircut, after several months of letting my hair grow. The barbershop’s cleaner looked like a complete cheap skank, addicted to telenovelas and wearing grotesque make-up, who has learnt Spanish through telenovelas but doesn’t even recognise the word ‘soy’, and she even had rather dark skin (Middle-Eastern dark, not Africa dark), so I was very surprised when she answered a call and began speaking Russian. The haircut came out very nicely, though most people can’t even tell the difference, but I can and I like it.
Well then, I went to Steimazky for a few minutes, then I started walking home, and passed by that little girly shop at the mini-mall, ‘Cinnamon’.
Suddenly I gasped.
Dorian, Dorian! I can’t believe it! You’re here!...
I came into the shop and asked the saleswoman who drew the boy on the top picture, with the white garland.
‘You mean the fairy?’
‘Oh, it's a fairy? Whoa...’ (What do you mean ‘fairy’? That’s Dorian Gray!... Isn’t it?)
‘Ay, it was drawn by Josephine Wall. She makes greeting cards and suchlike. You can see some of her works over there (gestures with her hand towards a little pole with little metal holders, the kind you often see in malls, with greeting cards in them).’
I went to see her other works. They were very well done, I must say that, but they were very cheesy. Lots of fairies and magical forests and the like... Looked like it was something meant for eight-year-old girls ten years ago (because today they require six-packs).
Sigh... That was a bit of a put-down. Alas, Dorian Gray was made by a human and not by a Basil. At least I’ll be able to see him again. That was indeed worth a thirty-minute walk in each direction.
About two and a half years ago, I thought I was lost.
My life looked rather aimless. I was sinking into depression. My marks suffered a dreadful , and my self-esteem was in tatters.
It was about that time that I started thinking a bit about Buddhism. I thought a lot about its ideas (for a brief while I also toyed with the idea of conversion), and I started thinking about Kaworu from Neon Genesis Evangelion (the albino boy holding the cat in the picture at the top of this page) and Jesus Christ. After a while I came to the conclusion that the three spoke of the same essence.
Suddenly I felt a strange bliss. A transcendental tranquility came upon me, and suddenly I felt as if I were detached from everything. I was on a different mental plane, not minding any harm I could suffer or anything beyond simple pleasures, like watching a little flower bloom and a lovely fluttering bird. This was Nirvana, or Salvation.
I began writing an article about what I perceived as Three Mental States: First, in which one is mostly concerned with one’s own society, world, &c., and one’s relation to it; Second, in which one is mostly concerned with one’s own psyche and self-image (usually characterised by acute depression); and Third (a.k.a. Angelic or Enlightened), in which one essentially doesn’t mind anything, and one’s pleasure comes mostly from very simple pleasures.
However, this special state of mind was quick to fade, and I went back to the First State. It lasted only a few more hours, and came back for a few sparse times here and there. I never finished the article, and eventually threw it away. Last time I thought I found a way back was when I attempted to convert to Christianity. That was the main reason I wanted to convert.
Several days ago I spoke to my friend Alex C. (from Sweden) about violence and bullying. He said violence is wrong, and hitting back a person when s/he attacks you is going down to their level, and it only produces more violence. I strongly disagreed, and said that bullies are not people you can reason with. (Yes, I think some people don’t listen to reason and never will, and it’s mostly prominent in certain cultures. Call me a racist. I’ll laugh at your face.)
Anyway, it made me think, and eventually I came to the conclusion that humans aren't ‘naturally good’ or ‘naturally evil’, but ‘naturally aggressive’. The question is where this aggression is channelled to: creativity, sexual vigour, violence, rebellion―there are myriad options.
After a while I spoke to my dear friend Angel about some albino-looking anime character, whom he declared the hottest anime boy ever. I disagreed, and said I found Kaworu preferable. (WARNING: Neon Genesis Evangelion Spoilers ahead!) I explained to him that to me, Kaworu is much more than just a pretty-looking bishie, but he’s a symbol of the Third State, the Nirvana. To me, he represented the pathway for Shinji from the Second State to the Third State. Shinji indeed did reach the third state, at the end of the last episode (I believe Hideaki Anno reached it as well, but then slipped back to the first or second state again), but he would’ve reached it earlier had Kaworu not died. (No spoilers hereupon.)
That is why I put the picture of the black cat in Kaworu’s arms at the top of this blog: I saw myself not as the fine young boy sitting there, but as the black cat in his embrace. I was waiting for the right time to move on and be in the Third State. That is why I wrote ‘Unum diem...’ at the bottom of every post: I wanted to go to a coast-to-coast trip with Khavatselet, that will hopefully bring me to the Third State.
And then it hit me: this whole Third State concept might be nothing more than a sudden sharp decline in testosterone, that neutralised my aggression. That might be why eunuchs have a much more serene view on life. It might not be (hence I still finish my posts with ‘Unum diem...’ and still wish to be at the Third State permanently), but I don’t know. Maybe there was nothing to it.
Persephone, I still love you. You’re lying cold and motionless in my backyard, and I sin terribly when I don’t come to pray on your grave. How magestic you were! So graceful, so beautiful, so intelligent, so friendly... A feline Marlene Dietrich. Though not sexually attractive, you had an odd sex appeal. You could’ve surpassed Lust from Full Metal Alchemist as a seductress, had you been a woman.
It was quite odd when I saw the Display Picture of a friend on MSNM with a black female cat named Morgana, who appeared healthier than you did, with greenish eyes (unlike your common yellow ones), and was also said to be very friendly and intelligent. Oh Kot...
And yet, I did learn something.
Alas! a lad, once thought to be divine,
Is just some postcard, by a mortal signed.
Nirvana’s nothing but some hormones dud
That one can kill by feeling in the mud.
I found a feline being, like I had,
That flaunted velvet fur and silky pads.
Come, comrades bearing hearts, and listen well
Until you stop to curse this world to Hell:
The difference was that they were all my rose
Entwined within me. They’re the ones I chose.
An Cat Dubh, 9.7.09
Unum diem...
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