פומפה קטלנית

בדרך מהעבודה לתחנת האוטובוס

שיחות שלמות,

ארוכות

עמוקות

אני מנהלת איתך

במוחי ואתה

לא מקשיב

טיעונים, הנמקות

הצדקות-

הצחקות

ושתיקות ואתה

לא משיב.

אני רוצה לצעוק אליך

רוצה שנדבר כמו פעם

דברים רבים

חשובים

כאובים

אני אומרת לך

ללא קול ואתה

לא מגיב.

לו רק יכולתי

להגיד לך

את כל מה

שמכביד עלי ולא

רק את כל

ה"מסביב"...

אני רק מדמיינת את התגובות שלך

התשובות שלך

האהבה שלך

שהיו, ואינן.

וזכרונן

עדיין מכאיב.

(2.11.2006)

The Letter I'll Never Send

I've changed my mind since our last MSN talk-don't write me, it's better this way.

When I said I don't know if I can take this for much longer I meant this form of staying in touch.

I think maybe it will be better for me if just not speak (or email or whatever) for a while, as a principle. and this is why:

You were the strongest and deepest relationship from lpc, and I'd like it to stay this way. (BTW I am totally aware that I don't bare the same status for you, which is only natural) You used to make me feel really good and there are many times that I crave for you because of the great friendship we used to have- I want you as a shoulder to cry on, as a source of comfort and support. But it seems like right now I can't have that from you, and I rather not come back from the army every weekend (or two weekends) just to wait for an email or some sort of communication from you. I know I've said that I stopped expecting anything from you long ago, but maybe I need to make this move in order to stop hoping as well. These days I'm just wondering where my Andres had gone. You said you wanted to keep the friendship, and I want it to, but this present interaction doesn't feel like friendship to me. Not even a distant one.

You're such a disappointment to me. I know you don't love me anymore, but I hoped you'd at least care. I guess that it is not really on your mind right now, that you have other people you care for. How weird to feel like I have nothing to say to you anymore. It does still look like you give a damn, but I sense that it isn't real, true hearted.

I just don't feel comfortable with the way things are right now. I hate restraining myself from being fully open with and not telling you all about how I feel or what I'm going through because I never know when you're going to "have to leave". I hate being bitter at the end of every chat, just because sarcasm is my only defence against this pain I feel over our lost friendship (not to speak of lost love). I hate you saying "I'll write to you soon" or "I really want to talk you" and knowing that you won't, although in my heart I aspire that you would (just so I will feel good with writing you a reply, full of everything I have been up to, because I terribly want to share everything with you (

I'm not saying this is permanent. I'm not sure this is what I want. But maybe this is what I need in order to be fine with the way things are between us now (and forever). Maybe it's time for me to give it up altogether, at least for a while. How sad is that? Maybe next year you'll have the capacity to keep in closer touch since you'll be trying to do that with all of your friends and not just me. Maybe next year I will be able to suffice in just random chats without real conversations. Maybe we can decide to talk on my birthday or something, and see from there.

This letter is probably the hardest I have ever written.

Tell me what you think, if I don't reply fast that is probably because I am joining the army on Tuesday morning, trying to make a new start and be brave about it.

Te Queiro Mucho,

Maayan

(12.11.2006)