My head is crowded.
Some nights I know I'm all alone and all I want is to be held in someone's arms and to know there's one place in this world where I'll always be safe.
In those hours I wonder what it would be like to leave it all behind.
To just disappear and never come back.
Leave this life behind.
Thoughts that scare me.
Have to talk to someone but have no one to talk to without the fear of being exposed to the world for the cowerd that I am.
For the hypocrit that I am.
They'll say I'm wrong, but I know better. And some other people know better as well.
Can't blame them for pulling away.
Never will understand the ones who stayed.
Am so afraid of who I'll never be.
Angry at being so stupid and afraid of letting it go... the walls.
So many hours where I feel alone.
Unarmed against the world.
Unprepaired for what life throws my way.
"Life never gives you more than you can handle"
Not always true.
Trying to determine what I'm going to do with the rest of me. with this mess.. this wreck.. this shell of a person I see in front of me in the mirror each day.
Don't like the person looking back at me... for so many reasons. In so many levels.
Me and the world. Me and work. Me and friends. Me and everything.
And EVERYTHING is such a hard fact to deal with. So many wounds in on period of time.
Too much perhaps, for any one person, to deal with alone.
'But you're not alone' a piece of me says.
The greater part of me quickly squashes down the reply.
Am not good enough.
Not a good enough friend.
Not a good enough daughter.
Not a good enough sister.
Not a good enough worker.
Not a good enough woman.
Just not ENOUGH.
An outsider will always want more.
Always more than me.
Feel naked in front of the world as I step out the door in a chilly automn morning before even the birds rise.
I step onto cold stone floors, trying to... Don't know what I was trying for.
I remember windy stormy nights, as I lay awake in a warm bed.
I remember hot steamy summer days, as I sit in an air-conditioned room.
I remember so many things.
I remember what it means to be happy.
I wake up to another day, and pray and hope that something will be able to smile in the face of all this.
Don't like myself anymore.