when you're a kid, you watch all those Disney movies and think love is that thing that ends up all the bad things and happens within a kiss at the end of the movie. you think it means The End. a happy ending, but still - the end.

then you grow up a little and you start reading. that's about the same time you start having dreams, and one of them includes beeing in love like in those books you read and those movies you see. big, shiney love that floods everything around you and shows everyone else what life is really about. and still, it's that thing that ends the movie. usually with a white dress and a I Do.

then something happens. you grow up. you turn from a kid into a teenager and then into a grownup and all within a few years. and all the bubbles you've been living in blow up. and you realise - there is no such thing as love. true love doesn't exist, Disney and all the other guys are just making it up. it's all a fake. that's when you start having wars with yourself and the world, when you figure you've been lied to for years and you want to take it all back and make it real.

in the end, you settle for understanding that even if love doesn't really exist like in the movies, you could still find someone fine enough to spend some time with, and that would be okay.

but then. oh then. then someday you get really lucky and you meet someone worthy enough and fall in love. and you suddenly realise why it's called falling, because it's the feeling you get when you walk down the street with that person you just learned to know and it suddenly hits you - you're in love. it's like a fall and it doesn't have an ending untill you hear the words I really really love you and then you land.

then one day you wake up, and all you can think about is this one person, and you get it - love really does exist. they weren't lying, the Disney guys and the writers. it was all true. the meaning life gets, as if you have something new to live for - and the complete knowing you have that this is the person you want to share your life with - and the feeling that everything is going to be alright once you're together - and the smiles - and the heart pounding - and everything - - it's there. it's all there. all you had to do was find the right person.

and then you realise the most amazing thing - nothing really ends with the kiss at the end of the movie; that's only the beginning. there's much more to it after that, and you're going to find it out for yourself. and that's totally something worth living for.

לילה, כמעט בסופו של החג הכי ארוך אי פעם. מסביב הכל חשוך, ואנחנו בחיבוק האחרון לפני נשיקת הלילה-טוב.

"אפשר לגלות לך סוד?" אני שואלת, בהחלטה של רגע.

"תמיד." הוא עונה.

אני כמעט מהססת לרגע (הרי שום דבר עוד לא רשמי כרגע), ואז אומרת, "קניתי שמלה."

"שמלה?"

"לחתונה."

"לחתונה שלך?"

"כן," אני לוחשת.

"לחתונה שלי?" ואני שומעת את הרעד בקולו.

"כן."

זה היה הערב הכי טוב שלנו עד כה.

"אז ככה;

חשבתי הרבה לאחרונה

והגעתי למסקנה,

כ-ז-א-ת גדולה והרת חשיבות

שאני ממש ממש אוהב אותך."

I just stopped believing in happy endings / Harbors of my own...

Where do I go when every 'no' turns into 'maybe'?

...

What do I do
With a love that won't sit still -
That won't do what it's told

.

תקשיב, אני אומרת לו בלב, אתה עושה לי בלגן בלב. בחייאת, עוד לא עברו חודשיים מהיום שנפגשנו ואצלי בפנים הכל רץ כמו במרתון. דוהר, מה זה רץ. אתה אומר לי שאתה מתקדם מהר רגשית, ובא לי להגיד, אידיוט, גם אני. אבל אני שותקת. אני מפחדת להרוס, מפחדת למהר ובאופן כללי פשוט מפחדת.

אבל כשיש לנו עוד שעה לפני שהוא הולך ואנחנו שרועים במאוזן על המיטה שלי והראש שלי נח על הכתף שלו, עולות לי דמעות בגרון ובין טרק ארבע לחמש של סיגור רוס - זה עם הקרוסלה והזכרונות - אני חושבת שעבר המון זמן מאז שהרגשתי כל כך טוב.

אני חושבת שאני מאוהבת.