like this is the final point when they're all done and leaving me to end it all and kill myself.
yesterday i contemplaited jumping in front of that train, wondering how it would make him feel, after i just told him i want to die. not sure why i didn't, i guess i just thought we'd pass this. like we always did.
but we haven't talked in like 30 hours and i'm pretty sure it's the longest we ever.
i think this is no longer a fight over ego to me, i mean, the only reason i still haven't called him was because i don't know what to say
he's right. i am passive. like, really passive. too passive.
and it's only one of many things i don't know how to fix and just hope for it to magically get better.
all i ever do is whine about how miserable i am
i don't make solutions, only create more problems and conflicts and uncertainties.
and then the phone rings at 1am on friday night and it's him and i answer but all i hear is background noise but i stay on the line non the less
and i wonder what's the purpose of "me"
do you ever find yourself freezing suddenly, just wondering what's the purpose of what you're doing this instant?
like, what's the reasonable time between bites when eating, or which direction is more comfortable to stare while taking the bus. or if there's even a point to making this cup of coffee since by now its only effect would be making it harder for you to fall asleep that night, so in the long run it would just make you more tired.
or what's the point in saving money or in buying expensive things
and why don't mum and dad hesitate that much about buying new computer-stuff for the little brother, of even a piano, but won't once offer helping you get a new smartphone after someone stole the one you worked hard and spent your very own money on. especially when you almost never dare to ask them for money. especially when they make a face about buying you two jeans and not just one at that cheap store, but will bring a new person to clean the house weekly and find the person they want to renovate their house.
and why does no one ever give a fuck about anything
and how dare i use that tiny error of phraising when they ask if there's anything that bothers me *that they don't know about*, just to answer with a "no".
and i should probably leave this poor server for brand new annonimity on tumblr. if i could only make up my goddamn mind on a proper screen name
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