Nothing Overly Special

August 6^th, 2007

At last, I am officially a last-year-of-school student. We are allowed in the pub now.

It was Friday eve. I drank very little, moderately, just to feel loose, so I can dance as soon as I get in the pub, without feeling embarrassed (even-though I've not a reason to be), for my friends so called aren’t dancing yet. Being the attraction of the night, (food for the ego it is), the drunk Colombian danced with me, happily- with me only. The freaky shit was that he grabbed me extremely close towards him, so close that I could feel his boner through his pans. He said he is very horny (as if I didn't notice), always leaning himself closer towards me, as if to kiss me. I in return just smiled and leaned backwards a bit, avoiding his lips, enjoying the tease.

Then, with his hand that keeps holding me close to him, he slightly stroke under my skirt, and I flicked off his hand, telling him to stop. That was too much. However, it then got worse as he said he wants to give me this present, he wanted to eat my pussy; I told him that I don’t. He asked me why not and I told him, because I just don't…Why must I explain? He asked to go on; I obviously refused, for we are not together. Nevertheless, you try to talk sense to a drunken horny motherfucker. He tried to convince me to come to his room if I simply do not want to do stuff right over there (the dance-floor), despite the ridiculousness of the matter. I admitted I was horny but I am not foolish, no more. After many attempts, he gave up and left, simply disappeared. I enjoyed dancing though.

I went to check my cell-phone. There was a missed call from a number I couldn't recognize. I called back. The Ecuadorian lass answered. I asked her if she called and she said she hadn't. I asked her whether the Colombian did. She said he might have. Therefore, I called him. At first, there was no answer. When I called again, it hung on and then hung up. At third – he answered. I asked him where he was, and he said he has gone back to his place; then he hung-up. I was quite concerned. I went to his place, in order to check what is wrong with him. As I got in, I saw him lying dead-like on his bed, and the one who tried to hurt him, bounced up as if she just kissed the poor wasted lad. She said she wanted to goodbye him before he takes his leave, and that he is too wasted. I tried to talk to him, but for vain.

I returned to the pub, danced with R, (the same R friend of Pika). She told me she used to hate me, for being blond, for being a foxy lasso, for being talented and so on. I somehow knew something about it before, for I have many 'outside-friends' who are loyal to me and tell me all they know. It was quite shocking to hear it from her though. She said she doesn't longer do and that she really likes me, compared with many others she hates. She was sweet. She usually bites Pika all the time. Pika was not there though, sadly, so she decided to leave me with her signature on my arm and she bite me as hard as she could. When mum saw it the day after, she was all panicked. When I spoke the truth of its nature, dad laughed (*relieved*).

However, the night was still young for my liking, but it seemed to be at end. After some nice time with R, I told her I go home. I went to him though. I was concerned. He was asleep. I did a terrible mistake (what a lovely word By the way, think of it, a wrong take, miss-path, MIS-TAKE, mistake ^_^ ), for I woke him up stubbornly. As soon as he woke up, he started kissing me. I backed him off but he grabbed me and kept kissing. It was all so sudden. I remember many details vividly and yet the order of thins is lost in my head for it is...*sigh*, a rape attempt, in a way or another. He tried to hold down the shirt’s suspender and began kissing my breasts. I shoved him away by force and tried to talk to him, but all he spoke of was of how horny he was, and how sexy I am, (Important datum- there was a sleeping roommate in his apartment). He grabbed my underwear by force and pulled them off. I fought to keep them on my legs, I did not want to yell, I did not want the person beside to know. The Colombian did not seem to realize how hard I resisted. He shoved all his fingers in, and I pleaded him to stop “You’re hurting me!” I kept saying “Stop it!”.

Nevertheless, all he kept answering was “Eat it!” and then grabbed me by the hair to his cock. “Stop it! What is wrong with you?!” I said, “What is wrong with you?!!!” he shot back at me, and brought his dick to my lips. “I don’t want to! Leave me alone!”, “Why did you come?” he asked “you love me, and I want you to fuck you, oh aibs” he continued. “I came because I was concerned and because I was upset you were with her again like this!” I said. “No!” he argued “I wasn’t with her tonight!”, “Don’t lie to me, she kissed you! I saw” I claimed, “No” he demanded- “you know I only want you”! There was truth in his words, he was convinced, he was dead when she kissed him, but what could I do, other than talking to him?!  “Come on, I wanna fuck you” “Of course you do!” “I want to lick your pussy” “Stop this! This is madness!” I suggested. But he did it. I felt like slapping him, but I was foolish, I did not, “You are drunk!” “No, I’m not drunk anymore… come you will like it!” “You disgust me!” “You will like my dick, you will cry” “WHAT THE FUCK?!” “I made her cry!” “Who, the-one-who-tried-to-hurt-him?” “No…” “Ah, the Danish?” “Yeah”.

Eventually I broke free from his grasp, but when I was about to leave him with his shocked, offended, disappointed, angry, beastlike expression - - my so called friends were outside. I could not go out. I did not feel like having them knowing I was there. Someone got close. I quickly went into the shower-room. He came after me and closed the door. I marked him to remain silent. He leaned on the door, and I never saw his gaze this way ever before. It was not him. It was a beast. It was a fucking beast. Someone got into the apartment. He began to masturbate, looking at me like a maniac. I sought up a shaving knife to cut the window's net and take my leave from the window, but there was none there. “I want to give you a present,” he said calmly. “You gave me enough!” I said harshly. “You will like it”, he offered and without an early warning he leaned down and tried to kiss it as he tried to get my underpants off. “Back off!” “What’s wrong with you?!” he asked sincerely, then I realized how drunk he was and how stupid it was of me to wake him up. “I will slap you!” I warned. He begged me not to and said he will stop. I took the key of my house and used the edge of it to cut the net. He spoke shit.

Eventually, he convinced me to walk doorways, after he checked there was no one out there. He was frustrated for my leave-taking, and even as if insulted.

I called Silhouette many times. I needed his support. I text-messaged him to answer me- but didn't.

I went to sleep. The hungry lunatic gaze haunting me…

The day after, I saw him at lunch. He acted normally, as if nothing ever happened. I asked him how he felt and all he said was that he has a terrible hangover. It totally seemed so; his eyes were red and he looked bad. “You don’t remember anything do you…” I asked. From the sound of my voice, he understood there was something wrong. He first laughed and said he does not remember anything from last night, “Oh no…” he then said, he saw the look on my eyes. “I did something bad didn’t I” “Yes. You have” “How bad?” “Bad” “Bad bad, or just bad?” “Quite bad” I said, even though it was very bad. He started being concerned and showed curiosity.

We had a walk, so there won't be people around listening. I asked him what is the last thing he remembers. He said he remembers dancing at his own place (and that was before even going to the party…).

I began to tell from the beginning, the disco. His reply was of shame, embarrassment, disbelieve and unwillingness to hear anymore. I told him he heard nothing yet. As my story kept on, the worse he felt, “I don’t want to hear anymore” he said all the time; but he had to know it all, including why his window net is all torn-up. He apologized a hundred times and swore he should never drink himself again like this. For as long as he is here, he won’t drink at all, that is certain. He told me to hit him (but that would not change the past and I should not make him feel better now, I should let him eat himself). He told me I should have kicked him in the balls, slap him, shouldn’t have waken him up. Every time I recalled another detail, he covered his face with shame and apology, telling me I know he is not like that; I told him his gaze certainly was not him. He begged me to find a way to make up for this, said he is going to feel bad forever now.

How I wish to show him what happened the other night. He twisted as I told him how he hurt me by grabbing my hair and shoving his fingers… With disgust and terror in his amazed apologizing eyes, he wanted to disappear, vanish.

He kept asking why I woke him up, and knowing it was not my fault, he kept saying he would not drink again, and that I made him hate himself.

I could hardly look at his brown eyes then, recalling the lunatic gaze, and he could not look at mine, for he carried so much shame now.

Blame me for being a good person, too good perhaps, but I forgave him. I know he would never hurt me consciously.

He asked me later if mum would allow him to take me for a friendly meal before he leaves and as a tiny thing to symbolize the attempt of making it up for me. He wants to take me to eat seafood; he asked me what I would like to have...

06.08.2007

דיברתי עם silhouette והוא מפציר בי לדווח. רק פיקה והוא יודעים. הוא רוצה שאספר גם לחברה הטובה השנייה. אבל ההרגשה הרעה שהיא תגרום לי לחוש היא אותה סיבה שאני לא רוצה לדווח להורים שלי למשל. חוץ מזה שיש סיכוי שתדווח על זה בניגוד לרצוני.

אונס זה כשיש חדירה. ולזה לא הייתי נותנת לקרות. הייתי צורחת ומעירה את כולם מבחינתי, ושוברת לו את הביצים. אל תשאלו למה לא עשיתי את זה. ניסיתי לדבר בהגיון, בטעות.

הוא חושב שאני לא מבינה את חומרת המעשה. אני חושבת שהוא לא יודע מה המחיר שאני צריכה לשלם בשביל הצדק הזה.

אני בהתלבטות אחרי השיחה שלנו.

סיבות לדווח:

כי הבטחתי לאמא שאספר לה אם משהו כזה יקרה

כי מגיע לו על-פי החברה להיכנס לכלא

כי תמיד קיים סיכויי שיעשה זאת שוב, לאו דווקא לי

כי אני לא יכולה להסתכל לו בעיניים בלי לחטוף צמרמורת

כי יש לי בחילה שאני נזכרת בזה

 כי ההורים יעריכו את זה

כי זה מה שsilhouette  רוצה שאעשה

סיבות לשתוק:

כי הוא בכל זאת ידיד שלי

כי אבא עלול להכניס את עצמו לכלא על-ידי כך שיהרוג אותו במו ידיו

כי אז ההורים ידעו על כל השקרים הקטנים: מה שהיה לנו בהכחשה, השתייה, אחרי שהבטחתי, ישאלו לגבי אחרים

כי אצטרך להעלות אל פני השטח את כל העבר השחור הטמון פה בבלוג או משהו כזה

כי זה יגרום לי לאבד את הכבוד

כי לא אוכל להסתכל לאף אחד בעיניים

כי אז ההורים יגידו "אמרנו לך!" בנוגע אליו

כי אז אני לא אוכל יותר ללבוש חצי מהבגדים שלי, וכמובן לא חצאיות מיני

כי אז אני לא אוכל להסתובב במגורים שלהם

כי אז אני כבר לא אוכל להסתובב לבד בשום מקום

כי אז ההורים יהיו מאוכזבים מכל מה שעשיתי

כי אנשים יאשימו אותי

כי יתקעו בי מבטים

כי ההורים ישמשו בזה כתירוץ בכל צורה אפשרית

כי אני לא אוכל לפגוש אף אחד

כי אנשים ובעיקר ההורים ירחמו אלי ויתייחסו אלי כקורבן

כי לא אוכל להתמודד עם לספר את זה

כי זה ממש ידפוק לו את החיים

כי לא יהיו יותר מסיבות

כי אמא תכריח אותי ללכת למפגשים של נפגעות תקיפה מינית

אני בכל מקרה אומר לו שאני לא יכולה להסתכל לו בעיניים ושהוא עושה לי בחילה, ולפיכך שאני לא יכולה לסלוח לו.