I don't know why I keep thinking about you this afternoon. I don't know why I keep writing to you in English. I don't know why, for some reason, in the past two hours I've gone a whole year back in time.

"One step at a time," you're telling me. "What happened two hours ago?"

Well, two hours ago we were on the way to the restaurant. And while we were driving, they were all talking about something. Something that I had nothing to do with. As if it was some kind of a secret party I wasn't invited to. And you know, I'm all for secrets and everything, just not when you're with people. And I suppose that kinda made me lose my mood.

You know, as a part of handling bad moods, I turn childish. You've never seen that, I know, I guess that because with you I feel safe enough to fall into this, because I know you'll be there to save me. But I dunno, I guess I tried to handle it that way, and then "Still Loving You" (Scorpions) played on.

And I don't know why, I guess that's what happens when you're in a bad mood anyway (State Dependant Memory?), but that song reminded me of you. I think... maybe with everything that's happened in the past two weeks and how I'm afraid you hate me right now, I guess I sort of wish I could start this summer over. I would never change a single moment in the past two years... except for this summer. Because yeah, I could never stand it if you hated me.

And you know how you tend to spiral down pretty darn quickly. Just when you're trying to sort of move on, to forget about that mood, someone comes up and finds the way to help you lose control and slide back down. So you know, I tried to disconnect myself from everything, to just read, and I may have even managed to smile a bit, but I guess that wasn't really enough. You're an introvert like I am, so I guess you know what I'm talking about. And it was just horrifying, because at this point I didn't actually care that I was in such a bad mood.

I guess that sometimes when you're with the family, you just can't cut yourself off entirely for the few minutes you need in order to get outta this.

And then when we left I had "Hello Lonely" (Theory of a Deadman) playing in my head, and all I could think about is you. I was sort of trying to run to Daniel, but then I read some lines and it sounded so much like you that it physically hurt. I couldn't stop myself from playing that song, and one thing led to another, and I was sort of thinking about you nonstop again.

And I don't wanna do this.

I don't want to live my life in accordance with your rules. You don't want me to, either. I want to be able to be sad without immediately thinking about how much I miss you. And you know what? I think the main reason I feel the way I do right now is these past two weeks. Because I know that wasn't supposed to happen, and I feel bad and wish I could talk to you again to sort everything up. And I do feel guilty, even though I just made a stupid mistake. And I think I'm just sort of spiraling down again because of that, and I know I really need to stop thinking about it, because you don't hate me or anything, but I just... I can't live with this silence.

And I suppose this really is my only problem right now. Everything else is just sort of coming from there.

I was playing "In the Middle" (Theory of a Deadman) up until a couple of minutes ago, and there was this line that sort of reminded me of us, you know. It says, "Well, there goes the world and we're right in the middle, there goes the world and we're right in the middle, I say leave me here, I say leave me here with you." and it really reminded me of the day we said goodbye, when we were standing there in the middle of the street, you're holding the potato bag you just bought, and we're sort of calling out to each other because we just can't let go. Remember that?

Yeah, I guess you can see how that fits.

And I know, I just need to let these two weeks go, but it'll take a bit longer. Because to be honest... I just can't forgive myself for doing all those stupid things (and for not making sure you weren't tagged in any event or some other nonsense).

Gosh, you're good, aren't you? That makes me smile a bit and you smile back, saying, "That's how I want to see you."

<3