Watching The Imitation Game was like watching my own life.

Yes, of course, these aren't the fourties, and I'm nowhere near the place Alan was, but in so many ways, it was like watching my bloody life playing in front of me. All that would have happened had things been different. All that could have happened and all that might just happen.

Very few actors manage to make me cry. It's hard to touch my heart usually, simply because one usually needs to get to  my brain first, and most people can't and never would be able to. He's always said that we're looking for people like us, and I guess the same way, we look for things that reach out to the deepest parts of our soul. Some pepole only need a physical sight; others an emotional. For emotionally-stupid-and-analytically-geniuses like me, you need to go through the brain first.

I know it might sound like I'm analysing that brain-wise, just was always, but the truth is I'm still too much shocked to be able to even begin to understand what I'm feeling right now. All I know is the tears in my eyes and the words I'm typing.

And Benedict... I don't know why, but Ben is one of those few who manage to make me tear up. Something about the eyes, maybe, which show just how vulnerable his character is. I've loved Sherlock exactly for that, because he reminded me of me. So screwed up and compicated, so cold emotionally, except for John, on the one hand, and so brilliant on the other. Somewhat of a radical version of the original Holmes, but I guess that's exactly what I loved about him, or that picture of Benedict as Sherlock wouldn't have kept hunting me for long enough to make me keep watching and get hooked.

And Alan... in so many ways, he's the exact same thing. So smart and yet barely has any social abilities whatsoever. Does things for the puzzles; not for the people. Only he isn't quite the same, is he. He hadn't chosen to be that person. He hadn't decided to be an outcast, to be different, to keep away from society. He hadn't just gotten up one day and said, "Okay, mankind is unbelievably stupid and I see no reason for having any interaction with them." A man like that would never have become a professor in college. A man like that finds his own little place and disappears. A man like that doeosn't choose to try and win the war, but leaves once he'd solved the puzzle.

And if I ever had a doubt about how screwed up human beings are, about how twisted their little minds are, about how they're always so busy focusing on their own little lives and their own little worlds; if I ever thought that maybe, just maybe, the way humans are willing to do everything to protect themselves is a cute, childlike trait, then I take that back. Because I've been there. Oh, yes I have. For years. I've seen how much humans are willing to destory to make themselves happy. How did Alan say that? "Do you know why people like violence? Because it feels good."

So yes, I'm not Alan Turing. But I know exactly how he feels. Never being accepted for who you are. Always having people trying to change you, in whatever way they can. Losing the person you love more than anything. Trying to find a way back to some sort of sanity, back to being who and what you are and being able to enjoy that. Having to lie to everyone on daily basis. Having to handle the company of idiots at all times. Not being able to do the one thing you want to do more than anything else. So maybe back then it was being gay and being forced to take medical treatment, which might just be the most twisted thing in the world, and not just being alone and abused and possibly autistic and not fitting anywhere, but human beings haven't changed much since. That freedom they value and praise so much is nothing more than an act. And chances are, if Alan Turing was alive today, he'd have still committed suicide - just probably not for the exact same reasons.

And I understand him. God, how much I understand him. And since the very second he started crying there, in front of 'Christopher', I couldn't stop crying or talk to anyone else. Honestly, I'd have given up a lot to be able to be there.

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Undoubtedly, Ben and the rest did an amazing job there. Totally deserving these 8 Oscar noms, simply for that. And that's all I can say right now.