יש אנשים... ויש אותי

i must start with a simple question, how many times have you asked yourself. is this love? am i in love? does he or she love me? and in how man places have you looked for the answer? in books or songs even maybe websites... in a blog?

dear reader the answer is simple, none can tell you what only you can feel, so dont go describing things to your friends in hope of explanation... and dont get yourself mixed up in whatever that is unsure and looks decieving.

i would like to share my story with you and will accept your opinion.

i had moved to highschool here in this country meaning i am 16.

this is not the first time ive moved  school infact it is like the 6th or somin like that.

a month or two flies by and i find myself in the arms of a magnificent boy , the problem was he was so childish, it bothered me oooh it really annoyed me because i swear to gd he was perfect for me, but i need a strong shoulder and a mature mind to handle me.

so we break up

and then i did the most terrible thing in boy code, i got friendly with his best friend.... infact too friendlyand it wasnt long before he had become my best friend and sadly with amazing benefits - if u know what i mean... 

but best friend he comes first i had a major breakdown one night i called my girlfriends they tried to comfort me but it was no use and so i called him he hang up and 2 minutes didnt pass he was already in my room hugging out all my feelings and pain and it has always been like that - i was number one with him and the same could be said the other way.

this lasts for half a year, i mean he is still my best friend but the shitt has stopped... see i found myself falling for him over and over again, i say this because i would be told by my friend that he looks at me differently and then spend a wonderful day with him and fall for him and by the next week find in him a fault that would crush whatever sweet thoughts i had for him.... and this scene would have so many encores

and then the worst came: i woke up one morning realising he was not made for me.... i had a list in my head why he was not the one and i was sure i rid of any thoughts  i had previously had saved up and locked for him inside my little box - saved for the day when he would realise he felt the same.

a week or two passed and he and my ex end up sleeping over at my house (long pointless story) and in the morning we are both left alone and we sit outside and start to talk about the most random things and so it happened that we started talking about the future,- we had once made this pact that when we reach the age of twenty if we are both single we will marry each other - yes i know it is young and the explanation for it is also a pointless long story-

and he starts saying how wierd it is that he can imagine us together with kids and everything and it seems to him so clear - so i catch my breath and i let this slide - and then we start talking about the house we will have and rules and exceptions and suddenely and most brutally the locks on my heart ripped open and all the things that made him so unperfect for me -made him so 100 percent perfect for me and i say this knowing that i was flattered from the talk but it honestly changed my mind because things i disliked about him that are important for me in a partner i found that he disliked too and that he wants to change, and i found that the thins i thought he cant handle about me - well he is more than willing to accept! ugh i was more than crushing now i was in deep bubbling boiling tipping over the edge love! and after this talk we kissed, it was like a first kiss i had fucking butterflies in my stomach!

he doesnt love me, it is the plain truth, it is the hurtful and teardreading truth - i was this close to comfort and now ive let go... im loosening the knot between us so we can breathe and i wish i could say that im doing this 100 percent for mebut somewhere inside im wishing that this loosening might make him realise that he needs me, maybe just as much as i need him.